


Dear Hinata, If you're reading this, I'm dead

by Castielgavemewings



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2021-01-25
Packaged: 2021-03-05 02:47:52
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 37,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25377160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Castielgavemewings/pseuds/Castielgavemewings
Summary: After Kageyama's sudden passing, he leaves Hinata with a few things, but mostly questions.
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kageyama Tobio, Hinata Shouyou/Miya Atsumu
Comments: 78
Kudos: 237





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey everyone! This is my first Haikyuu!! Fic its a WIP and I'll be adding chapters daily or almost daily please enjoy it even tho we got some heavy shit coming!! Love you all!

Hinata stared at the phone. It couldn’t be true.

Any moment now Daichi would text back and admit that it was the most horrible joke in existence.

Daichi: Hinata, are you there?

Hinata swallowed hard, looking back down at the message. A paragraph. A link. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard. One more moment, just one. Then he’d get a phone call, and they’d all be laughing, just like they always did.

Daichi: If you need to talk, I’m here. We’re meeting up at the court tomorrow. Please come.

Hinata read the text again. Again. Again. But the words weren’t changing. Maybe if he read it again, something would be different. Something had to be different. It couldn’t be true. Hinata closed his eyes, willing the panic to cease. The growing knot of thick black fear expanded, threatening to take him under. Hinata opened his eyes again.

Daichi: Hinata, I’m sorry you have to find out like this, there is no easy way to say this. Kageyama passed this morning. We’re having a memorial Monday morning; I hope you can make it. It would mean the world to him.

The words hadn’t changed. His stomach lurched. He swung his legs over the bed, but they collapsed under his weight, sending him straight to the floor. Kageyama. His stomach dove deeper down, and Hinata heaved, attempting to crawl toward the bathroom unsuccessfully. The contents of his stomach forced its way out of his mouth, hot and sticky, coating the floor as he heaved again and again. Kageyama. Something like a scream tore its way through his chest, but found no sound as he bit his lip, tasting blood as his body shook.

There was no way Kageyama could be dead. You couldn’t turn off the sun, you couldn’t mop up the ocean, and Kageyama couldn’t be dead at eighteen. Hinata rose, grabbing his phone and dialing Daichi’s number.

“Hey Hina—”

“How did it happen.”

“Listen, Shouyou, I don’t know if it’s the best idea to—”

“How did it happen” Hinata was yelling now, but he didn’t give a damn, he would never give a damn again if it meant…no.

“Hinata, I don’t want you to blame yourself.”

“Daichi! Tell me!” Hinata pulled his knees to his chest, rocking in time with his sobs.

“We…don’t know. He was drunk, he was alone, he…I haven’t been in touch with him as much as I should have been. He…” Hinata stilled.

“Daichi, did he…did he take his own life?”

“Hinata—” Hinata threw his phone against the wall. Maybe he didn’t want to know, maybe it was better to remember Kageyama as he was. As they were, as they would be. Daichi’s slightly electronic voice was still speaking at the other end of the line. Hinata slowly walked to his phone.

“Just…please come tomorrow, Hinata. We could all use your optimism.” Hinata felt like screaming. How was he supposed to be optimistic right now?

“What happened. This is the last time I’m going to ask.” Hinata’s voice was barely a whisper above the white noise.

“He was in a car accident, or, I guess he was in an accident in a car.” Hinata’s brows knit together as he tried to sort out what that could possibly mean. “He…left some things for you Shouyou. Things that only you could possibly take.”

“Okay, Daichi.” Hinata hung up. His bedroom had been quiet before, but the quiet had taken on a personality now. There was the quiet before Kageyama, and the quiet after. Just as there had been life before Kageyama, and life…no.

The tears came quickly after that. And they didn’t stop.

* * *

The court was empty when Hinata arrived. He had anticipated that it would be. After all, he had arrived two hours before the scheduled time, but he needed some time alone with Kageyama. After all, this had been the last place he’d seen him. If he had known, maybe things would have gone differently, maybe they could have…maybe Kageyama would still be here. The thought was enough to snap the leash he had kept his emotions on. His knees protested as they connected with the floor, the first floor he’d played with Kageyama on as an equal. Hinata didn’t attempt to wipe the tears away as they came. Kageyama had done that for him once.

_The brick wall pressed firmly into Hinata’s back as he tried to stifle the sound of his crying. He wondered who the team would send out this time. Asahi had been the last resort after Sugawara had failed to console him earlier. He really hadn’t intended to be such a mess. It was just a breakup, albeit a pretty nasty one. He hadn’t even been dating Atsumu for all that long, but he was the first real relationship Hinata had ever had, and something about losing that…really fucking hurt. He leaned his head back against the wall. He wanted to be playing volleyball, but when one setter had been the first to break his heart, and another had just broken it…it seemed harder than necessary. Of course, Kageyama had no idea that he had broken Hinata’s heart months ago, sending him running to Atsumu, Hinata would make sure that Kageyama never found out about that._

_A shadow approached Hinata, and he braced himself for the next pep talk that was surely coming his way. Two feet stopped directly in front of Hinata, and he looked up to meet the eyes of none other than Kageyama. Great. So, they’ve graduated from trying to make me feel better to yelling at me until I get my ass out on the court. Hinata thought._

_“Hey, uh, Hinata…” Kageyama started. Hinata let out a snort._

_“Spare me, Kageyama. I’ll be right in, just give me a few more minutes.” Kageyama went silent, but didn’t walk away._

_“Are you waiting for something?” Hinata asked._

_“Yeah. You. Daichi said I can’t go back in without you.” Kageyama sighed and slid down the wall until he was seated comfortably close to Hinata. “Atsumu sucks, I’m sorry he did this to you, and if he were here, I’d beat the shit out of him. All of us would.” Hinata inhaled sharply half at the mention of Atsumu’s name and half at the brazenness of Kageyama’s words. No one else had been so blunt with him about it._

_“I just thought maybe we could…I don’t know it sounds so stupid now.” Hinata admitted, noting the surprise on Kageyama’s face as he opened up._

_“No, not stupid. You are such a dumbass though. I mean, Atsumu? Really?” Kageyama said. Hinata turned to face him._

_“What do you mean?” Hinata asked, embarrassed that the tears were flowing again, preparing for Kageyama to tell him that Atsumu was way out of his league and that even trying had been a stupid idea._

_“You’re way too good for him. On the court and off it.” Kageyama met Hinata’s eyes as he said it. Hinata cried harder at the words. Kageyama didn’t know just how much they meant to him. Kageyama would never know. That was going with Hinata to the grave. Hinata flinched as Kageyama’s thumbs swept a wide arc over his cheekbones, wiping away his tears._

_“There. Now stop crying.” Hinata offered a weak smile to Kageyama as he stood and stretched out his hand. Kageyama grabbed it, and sighed deeply as Hinata hauled him up._

“Hinata!” Nishinoya’s voice hauled Hinata from his thoughts. The ruffian bounded over to him, taking a seat next to him.

“Hey Nishinoya.” It didn’t come out as cheerful as he had intended it to.

“Aren’t you a little early?” Nishinoya’s eyes zeroed in on Hinata’s.

“I figured you would be, I didn’t want to be alone for too long.” Hinata shrugged off the kindness, wrapping his arms over his knees and staring intently down at the floor. “Hinata, I’m not going to pretend to know how you feel right now, but I want you to know that we’re all here for you. We miss him too.” Hinata chewed the inside of his cheek. Kageyama didn’t like it when he cried. He bet Kageyama would like it even less if Hinata cried over him.

“Thanks, Nishinoya.” The pair sat shrouded in silence until the sound of footsteps approached. They had arrived. Everyone that Hinata had assumed would be there. Tsukishima, Daichi, Asahi, Sugawara, Yamaguchi, Tanaka, and Ennoshita entered the gym quietly, eyes glued to Hinata. They all took their places around the two already seated making small talk about the weather, their meals, the damn lottery numbers, anything except Kageyama.

“We can talk about him, you know.” It was Tsukishima that spoke up, his face stone cold. Hinata drew his gaze from Sugawara’s shoes to Tsukishima’s eyes.

“What’s there to say?” Hinata shot back, biting the sentence off.

“We’re doing this for you, you know.” Tsukishima said, looking up at the ceiling.

“Tsukki!” Yamaguchi warned. Hinata knew it was true though. His team was pulling together for him again, one last time.

“I know. I’m sorry. I just—”

“We know.” Sugawara said, “Excuse Tsukishima’s behavior.”

“Anyway,” Daichi added, “I have a few things for you Hinata.” Daichi passed a small yellow bag toward Hinata. “The bag is for you too.”

“From who?” Hinata asked, questions swirling in his mind.

“…From Kageyama, who else?”

“How did you know it was for me?” Hinata asked. Sugawara and Daichi exchanged panicked glances.

“Lucky guess!” Sugawara said brightly.

“His mother told me!” Daichi added a second too late.

“Because he left it in his will.” Tsukishima said dryly.

“Tsukishima!” Yamaguchi raised his voice, rising to his feet as he did so.

“What? You guys don’t think it’s fucked up that he doesn’t know? You don’t think he has every right? After all of that?” Hinata’s heart sunk to the pit of his stomach. So Kageyama had…no. Hinata’s gaze bore holes into Tsukishima’s eyes.

“Okay. You guys have one chance. One. What. Happened. To. Kageyama.” Hinata was practically on fire. Daichi had lied. Sugawara had lied. What could have been so awful that Hinata wasn’t allowed to hear. The group looked at Tsukishima.

“Go ahead, Tsukishima, you weren’t shy before.” Daichi said, Yamaguchi nodding in agreement.

“I’m not going to say it.” Daichi looked like he was ready to wipe Tsukishima off the map when Sugawara spoke up.

“Hinata, I’m sorry we didn’t tell you earlier. I just…we just didn’t know how. Last night, Kageyama got drunk, and he took a bunch of pills. It looks like he got in his car to drive to the hospital, but he never made it. They found him on the side of the road this morning.”

Hinata grabbed the little yellow bag, it wasn’t too heavy, but there were definitely a few things in there. It rattled as he moved it.

“I’ll call if I need anything.”

“Hinata! Wait!”

Hinata slung the bag over one shoulder and left.


	2. Chapter Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It felt like holding the entire world between his fingers, it felt like holding Kageyama.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! I was not expecting people to actually read this what the actual hell! But here we go! Chapter two!

Hinata looked at the bag. He looked away. Hinata reached for the bag, and flinched. He repeated this process for nearly two hours after leaving the court. He felt bad for walking out on them. Tsukishima was right. They had all gotten together for him, but they had also lied to him, allegedly, they had also done this for his benefit but at the moment it really didn’t feel like it. Though Tsukishima hadn’t. Tsukishima was a lot of things, but he wasn’t a liar, and he wouldn’t baby Hinata. Hinata shuffled around his blankets, searching for his phone before punching in Tsukishima’s number. It had been committed to memory long ago.

“What’s up Hinata?” Tsukishima’s cold demeanor from previously was gone. It often was like that when the pair chatted one on one.

“I can’t open the bag.” Hinata said distantly.

“What is the zipper stuck or something? Just use a pair of scissors, I don’t think Kageyama would mind.” Hinata flinched at Kageyama’s name. Though Tsukishima was right…again. Kageyama probably wouldn’t care.

“No damn it Tsukki, the bag works fine, I just can’t bring myself to open it.” Hinata admitted, biting his nails as he waited for what absolutely god-tier wisdom was sure to come out of Tsukishima’s mouth next.

“Hinata…I know. I tried to tell Daichi that it was pointless to even mention it to you. I thought it would be too much, but do they ever listen to me?” Hinata didn’t have to imagine the eyeroll that almost definitely accompanied his words. He’d seen it a thousand times, usually directed at—Hinata stopped himself. Thinking about Kageyama meant having a breakdown, and he didn’t want to have a breakdown with limited edition commentary by Tsukishima Kei.

“I can do it, I just…need some motivation.” Hinata said, listening as Tsukki snickered on the other end.

“Go take a shot, sit in an ice bath and don’t get out until you open the bag, drop a bowling ball on your foot, the possibilities are endless, Shouyou.” Hinata wanted to punch something. Tsukishima had not been the right person to call.

“Fuck you, Tsukishima.” But Hinata was smiling, and Tsukishima knew it.

“And Hinata? I don’t care if you open it now or in a decade, or if you take it to the grave and read it with Kageyama, but we all knew that you meant a lot to him, and we all know how much he meant…to you,” Tsukishima’s voice broke over the last words, “It may bring you some peace. And if you don’t want peace, if you want to rage and burn until Japan sinks into the ocean…well, Kageyama was always one hell of a motivator for you.” Tsukishima was crying, quietly enough that if Hinata had not spent four years becoming familiar with Tsukki’s voice he may not have noticed.

“Thank you, Tsukishima, maybe you’re not so bad after all.” “No, I’m definitely just as bad. I’ll see you Monday.” The two wordlessly hung up. Saying goodbye seemed like a bad omen.

Alone again, Hinata turned his gaze to the yellow bag slouched at the end of his bed. He reached out and grabbed a hold of the strap. Carefully curling his fingers around it as if it may dissolve right before his eyes. He pulled the bag close, wincing at the sound as it slithered over his sheets. It felt like holding the entire world between his fingers, it felt like holding Kageyama.

The bag reached its destination in Hinata’s lap, the weight sitting comfortably against his knees. Hinata moved his hand to the zipper. Maybe it would be stuck, and Hinata could abandon the task for another few hours. He could push away Kageyama for just one more moment, or maybe Kageyama would pop out of the bag. Hinata shook his head. _It may bring you some peace_. Hinata mulled over Tsukishima’s words for a moment. If Hinata had ever needed peace it was right the fuck now. Hinata tugged at the zipper, and watched as tears fell onto the bag, adding little dark splotches to the sunny fabric.

The bag opened, and the first thing that Hinata noticed was the wave of Kageyama’s scent that flowed out of it. Hinata inhaled deeply before the breath shuddered out of him. He wanted to close the bag. Keep the scent of Kageyama in there, preserved like a mosquito in amber until the end of time. Then Hinata saw the note. Just a little piece of paper taped to the inside of the bag.

_This color reminds me of you._

Hinata forgot how to breathe.

* * *

_Kageyama held a newspaper in his hand._

_“Hinata? Can I ask you something?” Kageyama asked, looking shyly above the edge of the paper. Hinata wanted to jump up and down, do a few pushups, maybe a backflip. Of course, Kageyama could ask him something, Kageyama could ask him to jump off a bridge, and Hinata would ask which one._

_“Yeah, what’s up Kageyama?” Hinata thought the reply sounded cool enough. Hinata loved their lunches together. Even though Hinata ate a veritable feast, and Kageyama just sipped on some milk, he still enjoyed all the time they spent together intensely._

_“Do I remind you of a color?” Hinata nearly choked on his rice. A color? The surprise must have shown on his face, because Kageyama quickly added,_

_“No, nevermind, dumb question, you probably don’t even know all the colors.” Hinata snorted._

_“No, wait! You totally do, I just have to think of which one.” Kageyama looked a little taken aback, but happy that Hinata had responded. However, now Hinata had to think of a color that matched Kageyama which was about as easy as picking up every grain of sand on the beach with chopsticks. Hinata’s instinct was to go with blue, Kageyama’s eyes, the sky, the stripe on the really nice brand of volleyballs. Yes, blue would be a solid choice._

_“Red.” Hinata wanted to smack the shit out of himself._ _Kageyama’s brow furrowed as he scanned the newspaper for something. A slight blush tinged the tops of Kageyama’s cheekbones as he folded the paper neatly into his lap. “Why? Do I remind you of a color, Kageyama?” Hinata asked, a little bit too much hope creeping into his voice._

_“None of your business, and no.” Before Kageyama could even finish his sentence, Hinata had snatched the newspaper from Kageyama’s lap. Kageyama’s eyes flew open as he clamped his hand around Shouyou’s wrist. “Give it!” Hinata was holding the newspaper as high up as he could, but Kageyama was taller than him, after all, so Hinata focused on getting out of Kageyama’s death grip and opening the paper as fast as humanly possible. Hinata was only able to read the words “Passionate, lovely, tempered” before Kageyama’s out of this world paper grabbing skills got the best of him._

_The damage was done. Hinata had just called Kageyama passionate, lovely, and tempered. He wanted to crawl into a hole, and live there, become Hinata of the Hole and call it good._

_“You really are such a dumbass.” Kageyama said, shoving his paper down into the bottom of his bag. Lunch was nearly over and both Hinata and Kageyama would be late if they didn’t leave. “I’ll see you at practice.” Kageyama said, smirking. Hinata had never walked to class faster._

* * *

So Hinata had reminded Kageyama of yellow. He wondered what that had meant, if he was also _passionate_ and _lovely_ or if the sole word under yellow had been something more along the lines of _dumbass_ or _idiot_. Hinata sat with the thought for a while, staring at Kageyama’s handwriting. The looping, messy script that Hinata had seen on so many of the exams that they had jointly failed. Even when Tsukishima had helped them cheat. He brushed his thumb over the note.

“Hey there, Kageyama.”


	3. Chapter Three

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone who could keep up with me, someone who wouldn’t give up on me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys here we go again! I hope you're liking this! Go leave a comment I want to talk to y'all

The next thing that Hinata laid eyes on was a milk bottle, washed out and in rather nice condition for the nature of the object.

A milk bottle? Hinata thought, before noticing the note that had been hiding behind the label. Hinata carefully fished it out. Hinata knew that Kageyama was a weirdo, but he didn’t think he was also a sentimental weirdo. The thought brought the ghost of a smile to his face as he imagined Kageyama carefully washing out the milk bottle, but the imagery of Kageyama passed out in his car quickly overtook it and Hinata’s nails bit into his palm as he clenched his fist.

The note had been momentarily abandoned as Hinata focused on his breathing, willing the churning in his stomach to subside for just a moment. It was another lined piece of paper, unassuming aside from the fact that it belonged to Kageyama, which to Hinata made it infinitely precious. And it was no secret either, to anyone. Anything that belonged to Kageyama, Hinata loved, adored, cherished. And it was no secret that in the hours since Kageyama’s passing, Hinata did not love himself.

Hinata started by unfolding the note, his mind wandering over all the things he could say back to Kageyama, about the colors, the milk bottles, and of course volleyball before he realized that Kageyama didn’t exist. He was gone. Like a flash of lightning, Kageyama had shone so brightly and so fiercely, and now the thunder was all that was left. Dark and deafening, filling Hinata’s head until he was sure he would vomit.

And he did. Heaving over the side of the bed. _Shit._ Hinata was not looking forward to cleaning that up. His gaze returned to the note and tears plowed their way down his cheeks.

“Fuck you Kageyama.” He spat out. Kageyama had taken so much more than his life with him, and Hinata was angry at him. How was Hinata supposed to live a life without him? His Achilles heel had been struck, and Hinata was now very much not invincible. He held the folded note between his fingers and debated ripping the damn thing to shreds. Did Kageyama think that a _milk bottle and a note_ made up for his absence? Did he really think that Hinata could replace him with a few objects? Did Kageyama believe that he could replace oxygen with emptiness and Hinata _wouldn’t notice?_ Hinata cried harder, until the ratcheting breaths turned into quick and short ones indistinguishable from one another. Hinata would never breathe deeply again, he was sure of it. The shuddering didn’t stop as he unfolded the note, his fingers almost too shaky to manage the simple motion.

_I threw this milk bottle at your head once when you kept missing my sets. You threw an absolute fit, but you smiled. And more importantly, you didn’t miss a single toss the rest of the practice. Never miss one again Shouyou, can you do that for me?_

And for the first time all day, Hinata screamed outright. Not the kind of anger where your voice gets loud and your fists ball up. Not the kind of annoyance where your voice pitches and your eyes roll back. Not the kind of fear where your heart leaps to your throat and your eyebrows take to the sky. But the kind of grief where the sound tumbles out and falls flat all at once, where your chest ties itself in knots and you feel certain that any moment now, you’ll cease living entirely. Hinata dropped the note like it had bitten him, fisting his hands in his hair and trying to control his body as it shook. He rocked back and forth on his heels.

What part of Hinata had Kageyama misunderstood? _I would do anything for you._ Hinata thought. _I could do anything for you as long as you were here. I’ll never miss a fucking toss again because I’ll never get to play with you again._ Hinata made a silent vow. If Kageyama wasn’t going to be on the court with him, he wasn’t going to be there at all.

* * *

_Kageyama zeroed in on the place where Hinata would be in mere moments. Pushing the ball with just the right angle, just the right precision. Kageyama watched with no small amount of smugness as it flew to just the right spot, stilling for a moment right as Hinata would— The slap of the ball on the floor cut off Kageyama’s thoughts. Hinata’s feet hit the floor a moment later._

_“What the hell, Hinata? My toss was perfect.” Kageyama said, approaching the sunshiny boy, drawing himself up to his full height to max out his intimidation factor._

_“Well maybe if you would toss to me instead of a random spot in the air, I would have hit the damn toss!” Hinata shot back. Kageyama closed the gap between them, balling his fist into the collar of Hinata’s shirt._

_“You absolute idiot! Moron! Dumbass!” Tsukishima snickered at Kageyama’s less than impressive vocabulary, but Kageyama didn’t care. He’d shoot Tsukishima a nasty glare as soon as he figured out why Hinata wasn’t hitting the tosses._

_Is everything alright with him? Kageyama wondered. Is he feeling okay? Did he get hurt? Kageyama wished he could squash the unabashed concern within himself, but his thoughts kept coming. What if he can’t play anymore? What if—_

_“Hey! Get it together guys! Everyone take a water break” Daichi interrupted Kageyama’s thoughts, and he realized he was still holding onto Hinata, staring daggers into his amber eyes._

_Kageyama released a still fuming Hinata and stalked over to his bag, opting for milk over water even though he knew that water would probably help his performance more. Kageyama had just finished off the last of the milk when he heard Hinata muttering._

_“Stupid Kageyama, drinking his stupid milk, thinking he’s the greatest. No, he’s just dumb milk boy. Dumb, stupid Kageyama the milk boy.” Kageyama whirled to face Hinata, and with the wrath of all the gods of every dominion, hurled the bottle straight for the flaming orange hair. The whole team nearly doubled over in laughter as it met its mark. Hinata was jumping up and down, throwing an absolute tantrum, and the team simply could not hold it together. Well…almost. Daichi looked less than pleased._

_“How’s that for dumb stupid milk boy?” Kageyama teased, relieved to find a smile on Hinata’s face, albeit a slightly embarrassed one._

_“Kageyama. Hinata. You’ve got cleaning duty today.” Daichi said. Fiercely gesturing to the mop. The troublesome two looked at each other, glaring in the best natured way._

_“Hey, Kageyama. I bet I can mop this side of the court faster than you can mop the other side.”_

_“No way shorty, I bet I can do it twice as fast as you.”_

_And just like that, everything was as it should be._

* * *

Hinata sat gasping for air against the wall. It could have been minutes, hours, or days. Hinata didn’t know, but at some point, the blackness at the edge of his vision closed in on him, and sleep laid it’s claim to the fiery boy cloaked in darkness.

He dreamed of his first-year match against Shiratorizawa, the time that he and Kageyama had landed the final point with Kageyama’s receive and Hinata’s spike. But this time when Kageyama should have been there to make the receive, there was an empty court. The ball hit the ground. Kageyama was gone.

Hinata jolted awake at three am, his muscles stiff from falling asleep against the wall, and his brain tired from the endless stream of nightmares that seemed to flow his way. How was it that Kageyama was alive _twenty-four hours ago?_ It didn’t make any sense, not even a little bit. Hinata didn’t want to think about what exactly Kageyama was doing twenty-four hours ago, but he had been breathing and that was all that mattered to him. He looked down at the bed. The backpack and the bottle stared back at him. Hinata would do anything to see Kageyama again. To get to hear Kageyama tease him, or to hit just one more toss, or to run into the gym at full speed just like they always did. The tears came again, and Hinata reached for the bag once more. This time his hands wrapped around something soft.

Hinata pulled out Kageyama’s Karasuno jacket. So that explained the overwhelming smell of Kageyama coming from the bag. Hinata did not even know he was capable of moving as quickly as he did next, pulling the jacket to his face and burying his nose in the black folds. Hinata’s breaths still came shallow and sharp, but for just a moment it felt like Kageyama was right there with him. Kageyama had always looked so beautiful in his jacket. It was usually the reason behind Hinata missing his sets. Hinata just couldn’t focus on hitting the ball when Kageyama was right there looking that good. He wondered if Kageyama had ever noticed his wandering eyes. Hinata wrapped himself in the jacket, keeping it pulled over his nose so he could inhale the teakwood and ivory scent that still wafted off it.

The jacket started to slide off one shoulder after an hour of sitting in silence. Hinata’s quick reflexes were able to catch it by the pocket before it could hit the floor and land in the puddle of unfortunate liquid there. Hinata’s breath caught as he realized there was something in the pocket. It felt thick and solid, like a deck of cards. Hinata’s hands fumbled as he tried to pull it out, Kageyama must have done some maneuvering to get it in there.

The object came free with a few determined tugs from Hinata. He looked at the object in his hand. A stack of letters, all folded up and tied with a single length of twine. The letter on top had a clear number 1 printed in the upper left-hand corner, and a single word in the bottom right. _Hinata_. Hinata pulled on the string, watching as the letters regained some volume, springing up to greet him. He took the letter labeled as the first in his hands, slowly unfolding it, and being thoroughly floored at the length of it. Hinata’s eyes scattered over the page, as if it were possible to read it that way. Hinata took one more deep breath before finding the first line of the letter.

_Dear Hinata, you really need to get better at serves, you fucking dumbass._

Hinata almost smiled at that phrase alone.

_Maybe you’d be better at volleyball if you weren’t always looking at me. I mean come on! You served into the back of my head yesterday! Who does that? Idiots! That’s who!_

Hinata stopped reading. He hadn’t served into the back of Kageyama’s head since their first year on the team. Did this mean Kageyama had been planning this since…Hinata pushed the thought away, he absolutely refused to believe that Kageyama had been waiting to do this since their first year together.

_Anyway, I’m not sure why exactly I felt like writing to you, Hinata. At first, I was thinking this would make a good graduation gift for the third years, but I tried to write something heartfelt to those dummies and then it reminded me of what a colossal dummy you were. And then when I read them over, the whole letter was just about you and me, so I figured I might as well write this to you and give it to you when we graduate. I still remember the first time we ever figured out how to do our quick attack. I figure that’s a day that neither of us will forget. I know that for you, you finally felt like you had a real teammate, a partner, but the truth is that I felt the same way. Someone who could keep up with me, someone who wouldn’t give up on me._

Hinata felt sick. The last time he had talked to Kageyama…the things that he’d said to Kageyama…it was abundantly clear that Hinata had not received these as a graduation gift. He hadn’t received anything. He hadn’t given Kageyama anything either. Bitterness until the end.

This was too much. Too much and too fast. Hinata set the letter down, vowing to return to it as soon as the room stopped spinning and his stomach stopped heaving. Everything was wrong.

_Kageyama wasn’t here._

_Kageyama wasn’t here._

_Kageyama wasn’t here._


	4. Chapter Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Someone had snuffed out the sun, and Hinata understood now what it meant to be truly alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys!! Thank you so much for reading, kudos-ing, bookmarking, and commenting (I seriously seriously love comments. They are hands down my best motivator!!)

_Kageyama sat criss cross in a circle with his teammates. He couldn’t say that he fully understood the purpose of team bonding exercises, but Daichi was adamant that they do them. Something told Kageyama that it had to do with the way Sugawara smiled so much when they did the dumb little games. Hinata’s knee jostled his and Kageyama whirled to face him._

_“Sorry Kageyama!” Hinata interjected, Kageyama threw a glare his way for good measure. It was better to go overkill with the whole rivalry thing than to give away that maybe his feelings for the boy went a bit deeper than your everyday spiker/setter duo. Plus, Hinata’s knees were bony as hell so perhaps he had a good reason after all._

_“Let’s play two truths and a lie this time!” Nishinoya suggested. Daichi shot him a warning glance, but Yamaguchi quickly seconded the idea followed by Asahi after Nishinoya elbowed him in the ribs._

_“Okay, fine” Daichi conceded, lowering his head and bracing for the impact. Nishinoya decided that it was only fair that Kageyama started because he was allegedly the most mysterious of the group. Tsukishima had rolled his eyes so far back in his head at the comment that Kageyama wasn’t sure they’d come back down._

_“If you insist.” Kageyama said._

_“Which I do!” Nishinoya replied. Kageyama considered all the things he could say, carefully weighing his options because he would be damned if he lost._

_“My favorite teammate is Asahi. I don’t like my first name. I wish I owned a cat.” The group stared at him. After a moment of discussion, they decided that since Asahi was, well, Asahi, that it made perfect sense that he would be Kageyama’s favorite teammate. They deliberated for a while between the cat one and the first name. He prayed that Hinata had not remembered the time that Kageyama mentioned that he had a light cat allergy._

_“Wait! Kageyama is allergic to cats!” Hinata piped up. Of course, Hinata had remembered. For how much of an idiot he was, he never really forgot the finer details of Kageyama’s life. A bit of hope blossomed in Kageyama’s chest at the idea, but he quickly shut it down. Hinata didn’t feel that way, and even if he did, it would be weird as hell to date his teammate…right?_

_“Okay then,” Nishinoya started, “The lie is that you don’t like your first name!” Kageyama reluctantly nodded. Tobio was a badass first name._

_“Alright Tsukishima! You’re up next!” Nishinoya directed. “Do I have to?” Tsukishima pleaded._

_“Yes Tsukki! Please?” Yamaguchi said, and just like that Tsukishima was thinking about what to say. Kageyama did not like the devilish smirk that came over his face as he locked eyes with him._

_“Okay, how’s this: I am a natural blonde, I can secretly see without my glasses, but I pretend to wear them because I think they’re fashionable, Kageyama and Hinata are in love with each other.” Tsukishima finished. The room had gone so silent you could hear the little gasp that both Hinata and Kageyama took. Kageyama tried to school his face into a mask of stone-cold obliviousness. Hinata was not faring so well. His nose was all scrunched up and a blush tinged the top of his cheekbones._

_Woah. Kageyama thought. The thought was immediately followed up by the thought that Hinata actually looks really cute when he’s all flustered, but that was so not the point right now. However, literal living angel Sugawara came to their rescue._

_“Tsukishima it’s called two truths and a lie not two lies and a truth.” Kageyama loosed a breath he didn’t know he’d been holding. Thank god for Sugawara._

_“I know. Two of those are true and one of them is a lie.” Tsukishima said. Yamaguchi shoved an elbow into his side, but that didn’t seem to faze him. This time it was Daichi that spoke up._

_“So, you can see without your glasses then, you big liar!” The whole group dissolved into laughter, momentarily forgetting the fact that Tsukishima had just declared that Hinata and Kageyama were in love with each other with absolute, unwavering certainty. Kageyama pretended like he couldn’t feel Hinata’s gaze crawling over every inch of him. He just hoped they wouldn’t have to talk about this later._

_The game continued for about an hour before Daichi decided they all needed some rest before early morning practice. The team paired off into their usual groups, leaving Kageyama and Hinata alone._

_“Kageyama?” Hinata asked, Kageyama winced and waited._

_“What.”_

_“I, um, just wanted to say—”_

_“I know you aren’t secretly in love with me, Hinata.”_

_“No, it’s not that, I—” Kageyama didn’t let him finish, he turned around and grabbed Hinata by his shirt collar._

_“So, you are in love with me, Hinata?” Kageyama was hoping this would scare him enough to back away from the subject entirely. Hinata’s face was almost the shade of his hair. Kageyama hoped he had not just made the biggest mistake of his life._

_“No—I just, um, will you throw me a toss?” Kageyama dropped Hinata like he had just caught on fire. There were no words for the embarrassment that flooded through Kageyama’s body. Kageyama could do nothing to stop the scarlet blush from spreading over his cheeks. Kageyama just nodded and picked up the volley ball, dutifully ignoring the part of him that felt like it had just been steamrolled._

_Because what if, just maybe, Hinata had said yes?_

* * *

Hinata opened his eyes at the sound of Natsu bustling around in the next room over. The letter lay in front of him, right where he’d left it. His neck hurt like a bitch having slept with it twisted up like that. He scrubbed his hands over his face, the salty remnants of his tears having crystallized on his cheeks. Hinata typically loved the quiet harmony that accompanied Sunday mornings. But knowing that Kageyama’s memorial was tomorrow sat heavy in the pit of his stomach.

Then Hinata remembered the puke. He groaned and carefully stepped around the nasty liquid that had dried on the floor. He made his way to the bathroom, emerging with some soapy water and a brush and got to work. Once his floor had returned to its regular state of cleanliness, Hinata climbed back into his bed and stared out the window. It wasn’t that Hinata didn’t want to finish Kageyama’s letter. He wanted to cling to the piece of paper so badly that his fingertips itched with intention, but Hinata didn’t want to clean up anymore puke, or wipe anymore tears off his face. So, he stared out the window, and remembered.

Hinata dove deep into the very essence of Kageyama, pondering every interaction from their first to…the end. He watched as the cars flitted by, just a moment of interaction with his life. He wouldn’t remember the cars in five minutes, he wouldn’t know the driver if he saw them on the street. Hinata wondered if that’s all Hinata had been to Kageyama, a bright orange taxi that he watched drive by. But Hinata knew that Kageyama wouldn’t have left such things to a person that he never truly knew. And that was the catch. Hinata knew Kageyama like the back of his hand.

Kageyama was the way that the wind whispered through the branches in the winter. The wind that bit at your nose and seemed to taunt you with your own discomfort, but he was also the silence of snowflakes innocently falling on top of one another. He was the first grey light of dawn, and the bright glow of city lights. Kageyama was the storm and the calm before it. He was the question and the honest answer. The ship and the iceberg that sunk it. And Hinata was…where did Hinata fit into the relationship of question and answer, of chaos and the calm. Hinata wondered that if Kageyama had been falling into this dark place…had Hinata been the gravity in the fall, pulling the wayward Kageyama back to earth, but simultaneously to his death? The thought quickly put Hinata’s plan of not crying to shame, and his tears pattered down on the windowsill. Kageyama was the rain and the drought, and Hinata was still trying to keep up. So, he reached for the letter, and tried to keep up with his enigmatic friend once again.

_Maybe I had been looking for you for a long time, Hinata, and just didn’t know it. I often wondered what my life could have been like if we had grown up together, played together in middle school. I doubt I would have been benched at the most important game of my middle school career had you been on the court with me._

Hinata wished that Kageyama would stop talking about volleyball.

_But you gave me more than I think you realized. You gave me a spiker who could keep up, but you also gave me so much more than that. I never really talked much about what my life outside of volleyball looked like. Sometimes, I would let little things, just the smallest of details infiltrate our conversations. I assumed that you either wouldn’t notice or wouldn’t care. Remember the time I mentioned that I had been on a boating trip when I was twelve? You practically drove me crazy with questions about what it was like to be on a boat, if I liked it, if I could swim. You probably don’t even remember that now._

But Hinata did remember. Kageyama didn’t like the trip, he had gotten motion sick thirty minutes in and spent the rest of the time miserable, and, yes, Kageyama could swim and he had called Hinata a dumbass for even wondering if he could. Hinata was angry that Kageyama doubted that he would remember. Kageyama could have given Hinata his grocery list and he would have remembered it word for word. Could it be that even though Hinata had put his blind faith in Kageyama time and time again, that he still did not understand that, to Hinata, Kageyama was the world. And now the world was gone. Hinata wondered how he was supposed to exist in a world without purpose. Someone had snuffed out the sun, and Hinata understood now what it meant to be truly alone.

Guilt, greasy and thick, lined Hinata’s skin. He should have known, he should have apologized, he should have taken Kageyama’s hand and told him. Hinata shouldn’t have confirmed all of Kageyama’s worst fears in their last conversation. Hinata guessed that you really don’t know what the last time is when it’s in front of you. But most of all, Hinata wished that Kageyama knew that he would never forget. As long as Hinata’s heart was beating he would remember. As long as the sun still dragged itself across the sky, and as long as the waves crashed on the shore, as long as Hinata loved Kageyama, it didn’t matter. They all meant the same thing anyway.

Eternity was Eternity, no matter how you put it.

“Kageyama, if you’re listening, I remember. I remember everything.”


	5. Chapter Five

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Step One: Go see Kageyama.
> 
> Step Two: Don’t cry.
> 
> Step Three: Tell Kageyama he’s an idiot.
> 
> Step Four: Don’t cry.
> 
> Step Five: Don’t cry.
> 
> Step Six: Don’t cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading! This next chapter kind of hurt my feelings tbh

Hinata knew that it was a cliché to hate Mondays, but he felt like he had a valid excuse for this one. He had spent the remainder of his Sunday in bed, curled up around the letter, periodically trying and failing to finish the last paragraph. How could he? Every word felt like a knife to the heart that had been twisted for good measure. He was also pretty sure that since he had cried so much yesterday, that was the sole explanation for how he had not cried today. Sure, Hinata had only been awake for thirty minutes but that was impressive. Hinata pulled on his black dress shirt and slacks, ignoring the way his lip trembled at the action.

Grief was a funny thing, Hinata decided. If he ignored the feeling, sometimes it would just…go away. He didn’t know where it went, but he figured it got crammed down his throat and fought for space near his internal organs. His family wished him well as he left for the Karasuno High School gym. The team had decided to meet there before making their way to the funeral home together. The thirty-minute bike ride was the only thing that kept Hinata’s mind off of the task at hand. Plus, there was a sort of crooked hope in Hinata’s chest. He was going to get to see Kageyama. Oh, how Hinata had missed Kageyama’s face. The way his delicate features folded into one another, and the silent grace that exuded from him.

The Karasuno gym loomed over him, and Hinata got the strange feeling that if he walked in, he would not walk out, at least in one piece. The feeling shocked Hinata, this had been his home, his safe place, how could it turn to a place of fear and trepidation overnight? Then, Hinata realized, that was often how Hinata felt when Kageyama wasn’t there. You could not separate Kageyama from volleyball and volleyball from Kageyama. The thought broke something in Hinata. If Kageyama had taken volleyball from him…Hinata wasn’t sure he’d be alright.

 _I’d get to see him again_ a voice at the back of Hinata’s head whispered, and he tried to push the thought away, really, he did, but the thought of seeing Kageyama again, one last time, to get to argue, or have Kageyama ruffle his hair…what could be so wrong about that. Why would he miss an opportunity to have his world back? A heavy hand clapped over Hinata’s shoulder. Asahi. He turned to see Asahi’s hair pulled into a ponytail and clad in black.

“How are you doing, Hinata?” _I want to fucking die. I miss Kageyama so bad that my heart is breaking, and I can feel it every step of the way._ Hinata thought.

“I’m doing…okay. How are you Asahi?” He asked, meeting Asahi’s face for the first time, and truly looking into it. Hinata’s heart faltered. Asahi’s eyes were red and swollen, and it was clear that he hadn’t bothered to shave. Asahi had always looked so powerful and intimidating before, but, in this moment, it seemed that Hinata very well may stand taller than him.

“I’m…” Asahi tried to finish his sentence, but shook his head instead. Covering his face as tears started to spill over his cheeks. Hinata rested a hand on Asahi’s bicep.

“Asahi, I know. I know. I know.” Hinata bit down on his lip hard. He really didn’t want to cry in front of his teammates. Hinata knew that somehow, seeing him cry would be the final straw, the precursor to irreparable damage. So, Hinata simply nudged Asahi over the threshold to greet the rest of the team. And damn, was it a sorry sight. They were all wearing black, Kiyoko and Yachi were unabashedly crying, holding each other and Kiyoko stroking Yachi’s hair as sobs racked her tiny body. Tanaka and Nishinoya appeared to be in a staring contest with the floor, both of them had obviously been crying. Tsukishima appeared okay until Hinata got a good look at his palms. Four bloody crescent shaped cuts marred Tsukishima’s palms, Hinata didn’t even want to think about how hard Tsukishima must have been clenching his fist for that to happen. Yamaguchi was outright crying, tears silently streaming down his face as he rested his head on Tsukishima’s shoulder.

Then he saw Daichi. The team captain was on his knees, Sugawara worrying after him, asking question after question and receiving no answer. Daichi was just shaking his head, eyes vacant as he looked over the volleyball court. Grief was a funny thing, Hinata decided. He stared at Daichi’s defeat, Tsukishima’s anger, and Yamaguchi’s sorrow, and wondered where did he fit in? If Kageyama had been here, that’s where he would be. That’s who’s side he would be carefully guarding, the dam that never broke. Hinata felt the tears coming and shook his head violently.

“H-hey guys! What time should we head over?” Hinata said, manufactured brightness drawing his teammate’s attention. A chorus of ‘hey Hinata’ fell over his shoulders as they all took to their feet.

“We should leave now, to be on time and…pay our respects.” Daichi said. No one moved. Not even an inch.

“God, I don’t want to go.” Tsukishima said, prompting a few bewildered looks and gasps, but Hinata noticed his clenched fists. The way his white knuckles shook.

“Neither do I. This is wrong.” Nishinoya added, though Hinata thought that Nishinoya meant it in more of a he-should-still-be-here kind of way while Tsukishima just really didn’t want to face the reality of his dead teammate.

“Come on guys, let’s go tell Kageyama what a son of a bitch, arrogant, idiot that he is one last time!” Hinata threw a smile in to it. Something told Hinata that they would pull through for him, they didn’t have a choice. They knew that Kageyama’s death would have cut Hinata deeper than the rest of them combined, and his team could show up for him, one last time they could have Hinata’s back.

The group approached Miyagi Central Funeral Home; every step they took felt like a death sentence. Hinata’s stomach was tying itself in knots, and he knew that any moment the resolve to not cry would snap in two. They stood inside and removed their shoes.

**Step One: Go see Kageyama.**

**Step Two: Don’t cry.**

**Step Three: Tell Kageyama he’s an idiot.**

**Step Four: Don’t cry.**

**Step Five: Don’t cry.**

**Step Six: Don’t cry.**

The group approached the small room where a casket lay on a table against the wall. Hinata knew that Kageyama would be cremated, so this would be goodbye to Kageyama in a physical sense. His beautiful body, his genius hands, good for so much more than setting, not that Kageyama knew. Kageyama’s crystal blue eyes, the way they looked at Hinata, his long legs that he used to beat Hinata in half of their races. The lips that had once…the heart that had given Hinata a home. And the soul that Hinata was fated to love, to admire, to cherish, but never to have. All the things that could never truly be his were laying in a polished mahogany box.

Part of Hinata wanted to wrap Kageyama’s arms over his shoulder and say “we’re busting you outta here, buddy.” The picture was enough to ghost a smile over Hinata’s lips, but the reality hit Hinata. Hard. He took a step forward. And there he was.

“Hey there, Bakageyama. How are you today? I’m taller than you now.” Hinata didn’t realize that he had said the words out loud until he turned to see his whole team watching him with open mouth. Some of them had started to cry.

“C-can I have a minute with him?” Hinata asked, preparing to be told that it was weird to ask for some peace and quiet with your dead friend, so that the two of you guys could have a one-sided conversation, but the team all silently nodded, and shuffled toward the back of the room.

“I read your letter. Well, I read most of it. You made it pretty hard to read through. It’s hard for me to remember without…thinking about everything. It’s hard to read without missing you. Missing you so…damn…much.” Hinata bit down on his knuckle, reaching forward to take one of Kageyama’s limp hands in his own.

“Kageyama, I’m so sorry. I wish I could have kept you here. I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to you. Kageyama, you are everything to me. How could you just…go?” Hinata paused, placing his other hand over the hand he already held. “Is that selfish of me? To wish that I could still have you here? I guess that you can decide. I’m going to miss you forever. I’m never going to stop. As long as I’m alive, okay? You were it for me Kageyama, and I’m going to honor that. My best friend and partner. I’m never going to forget. I wish you weren’t such a dumbass; I wish you had talked to me. I wish I could have known. I’d give anything for you to be right here, right now.” Hinata’s heart was breaking in earnest, as he looked down at Kageyama’s closed eyes, slightly more sunken that he had recalled them being.

“I love you, Kageyama, okay?” Hinata said that part a little too loudly, and he could feel eyes on his back, but they could be damned. Hinata’s voice dropped into the tiniest whisper.

“I’m coming to see you soon, alright Kageyama? I just have to figure out some things first, but I’ll see you so soon. And I’ll tell you all about…everything. And we can race, and you can set to me, and you can tell me more about the boating trip you went on. And—” Something finally gave, and Hinata was crying, no more like wailing. Hinata fell to his knees, still holding Kageyama’s hand. He rested his forehead on the casket, his shoulders shaking as sob after sob tore its way through his body.

“Kageyama!” Hinata was practically screaming now. “Kageyama, _why?_ ” His teammates, recognizing a breakdown when they saw one rushed to his side.

“Kageyama, I needed you! We were supposed to go together _all the way to the top_.” Hinata could not stop the anguish that poured out of his body. A strong arm gripped his shoulders. Suga—no _Tshukishima_. Hinata buried his head into Tsukishima’s shoulder, and screamed. Tsukishima’s grip on his shoulders tightened.

“Hinata. Hinata, we need to go. We need to go.” Hinata thrashed, biting down on his lip as he tried to stop from heaving.

“But Kageyama said. He promised me Tsukishima!” Tsukishima put a hand on the back of Hinata’s head, which seemed to temporarily soothe the ginger boy. Slowly, and with the assistance of the whole team, they stood. Tsukishima turned to face the casket.

“See this, Kageyama? Look what you did. I’ll never forgive you for it.” Hinata cried harder.

“Don’t say that Tsukishima, please!” Yamaguchi said, rubbing his temples as he cried.

So, this was it. Tsukishima thought. Kageyama was dead. Hinata was broken. His hands hurt. And over what? The setter that took too many pills. Tsukishima was almost certain that he alone bore the knowledge that would absolutely shatter the already broken team. Unless Kageyama had left something about it in the things he gave Hinata, Tsukishima was the only one that knew.

Tsukishima scowled. Three years of his life, and look where he ended up. A train wreck he couldn’t look away from. Tsukishima wouldn’t be surprised if this happened again.

He wouldn’t be surprised if the next person in the casket was Hinata. He didn’t know what would happen to the team then. He wasn’t sure if the words existed to explain that kind of pain.

He didn’t know if the world could be that cruel. But Tsukishima realized, that to Hinata, the world already had been.

Kageyama had been Hinata’s everything, everyone knew.

What else do you do when you have nothing left?


	6. Chapter Six

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know that we’ll keep going far, all the way to the top.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> enjoy my dudes, thanks for reading

Hinata’s phone had been ringing off the hook for five days. Or had it been seven? Hinata didn’t remember. He didn’t bother to. He had answered the phone at first, various teammates calling to ask if he was okay, why he hadn’t been to school, if he was coming out to eat with them like they had discussed in the group chat. And each time Hinata had hung up before they had finished their first sentence.

The funeral had done something to him. Seeing Kageyama, dead and limp, and the realization that had accompanied it was all too much. Or so Hinata thought until he had finished the letter, noting that the narration in his mind had shifted from Kageyama’s voice to his own. Hinata had promised he would remember everything, and he wasn’t going to leave his bed until he could remember the ins and outs of Kageyama’s voice.

But it didn’t work. When Hinata tried to recall Kageyama’s voice, the only time he nailed every line was the last time they had talked. The things that Hinata had said to Kageyama, the things that Kageyama had said back…seemed to cycle through his brain, and course through his veins.

And so Hinata didn’t leave his bed. He didn’t touch his dinner, it all tasted like ash in his mouth anyway. Hinata turned to face the little yellow bag, occupying the pillow next to his head. That’s when he noticed the slight bulge in the front pocket. Hinata’s hands surged forward in desperation. There was something else. Hinata’s brain couldn’t handle the way his heart leapt, causing tears to once again fall over the boy’s sunken cheeks. His hands made quick work of the zipper, though they shook as they pulled it across the fabric.

And there it was. A stack of folded paper and a rubber band holding it together. A strangled sound escaped Hinata’s mouth as he shuffled through the papers. They all had numbers in the corner, but they were out of order. One…fifteen…two…fourteen…three…thirteen. _No, they aren’t out of order_. Hinata realized. Hinata unfolded the first, his breath coming in uneven gasps.

* * *

_Hey Hinata,_

_I already wrote you a letter once before, but I felt like I should write a second. I’m not very good at saying everything all at once, which I’m sure you’ve noticed over the years. So…how does it feel to be graduated? There is no way in hell you’re reading this before then, so I might as well ask. Did we make it to nationals again this year? Well, I guess I’ll already know the answer by then. I should just start over._

_Anyway, I was thinking about practice today. You hit all of my sets! Just as you always should, I mean…they’re pretty killer. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is that we make a good team. I was thinking about how from the first time I met you, I knew that we would be. I didn’t want to admit it, but when you shot across the court to try and get the last shot in, I was actually really impressed. But I still won, so ha! We should add that to our scoreboard, even though I’m sure you’d throw a tantrum if I suggested it. We’ve come a long way since then, I’ve grown you’ve…still got red hair. Honestly! Who could have guessed? I just think that we should be teammates for as long as we play volleyball. I mean, not that I couldn’t do better! I totally could! But I think that I’m only motivated to do my best when you’re there. Something about the fact that it doesn’t even bother you that your receives are so crappy is just infectious._

_If we do end up playing together after high school, I know that we’ll keep going far, all the way to the top. Jeez, now playing against Date Tech again sounds super lame. See what I mean? You get my hopes up._

_Hopefully you don’t tape this up on the gym wall or something. I’d kill you. Alternatively, I hope you don’t get it in your idiot dumbass brain that you’re better than me or something. And even if you do, I’ll be right there to prove you wrong. This is getting way too long. Okay, see you later! I mean I’ll see you at practice tomorrow, but I’m sure I’ll see you after you read this too. Okay now it’s really getting too long. So long, dumbass._

* * *

Hinata smiled. He read over the letter, carefully inked in black pen, several times before setting it down. But he wouldn’t see Kageyama later. He would never see Kageyama again. The letter was a small gesture, but Hinata knew that Kageyama had meant every word. He wanted to curl up in the letter and sleep in it. He wanted to remember what it had felt like to be a first year again, busy with thoughts of Oikawa’s sets and Ushijima’s spikes. Hinata didn’t want to deal with the growing shadows in his chest, or the way that his hip bones now jutted through his shorts, or the way that even though he wanted to go practice spikes, he’d be crying on the court before the first toss was even up.

A loud knock at his front door pulled Hinata from the letter. He ignored it. Either his mom or Natsu would be there any second. The knock sounded again. Hinata realized he must be home alone. That didn’t change the fact that he was not leaving his room under penalty of death.

But then they knocked again.

And again.

And again.

For forty-five minutes.

Hinata stood up, if only to get the bastard to stop knocking, he’d open the damn door. Hinata swung open the door.

“Damn. What happened to you?” Of course Tsukishima had shown up.

“Shut it, Tsukishima, what do you want.”

“We need to talk.”

“Listen, if it’s about the funeral, I don’t want to talk about it. Thank you for everything.” Hinata closed the door, but Tsukishima held it open.

“It’s not about that.” Tsukishima elbowed his way in, closing the door behind him.

“Then what do you want? I don’t want to talk about Kageyama, so please—”

“You don’t have a choice. You’ve ignored us for a week now, so you’ve given up your choosing privileges, mmkay?” Tsukishima pushed Hinata onto the couch. Hinata didn’t remember Tsukishima being that strong, or, rather, him being so weak.

“I’m not going to talk about it.”

“Lucky you, you don’t have to, I’ll do all the talking.” Tsukishima retorted. Hinata recalled that Tsukishima had always been a colossal bastard. He didn’t know why he had assumed this would be any different.

“Okay.” Hinata replied.

“Listen, the whole team knows this has been harder for you than the rest of us, and that’s okay. Whatever you and the King had, is not for the rest of us to question. But what is not okay is the way that you’ve shut us out. You have _no idea_ what this has done to the rest of the team. You should see them. But that is, unfortunately, also not what I am here to talk to you about.”

“Then what—” Hinata started.

“I thought you _didn’t want to talk about it._ ” Well that sure shut Hinata right up. “Kageyama cared about you. And wherever that bastard is at now, he probably still cares about you. This whole thing,” Tsukishima gestured toward Hinata, “would not be what he wanted. He wouldn’t want you to walk out on the thing that you two loved to do so much together he—”

“Kageyama didn’t care about me when he died. The last time we saw each other, we fought.”

“I know.”

“ _What?_ ” Hinata replied.

“Kageyama told me the night that he…everything happened.” Hinata sat in stunned silence.

“What did he say.” Were the only words that Hinata could process at the moment.

“He told me about the fight, he told me why you had been fighting, he said he was going to make it up to you somehow.”

“But he…”

“He called me after he had…you know. He was on his way here, Hinata. He realized what was going on, and he was on his way here to apologize. He didn’t hate you; he didn’t want you to feel like he did. So, that’s how I know he’d be pissed to see you doing this to yourself.” Tsukishima finished, standing up and heading to the door.

“Tsukishima, wait!” Hinata cried.

“We’re having dinner tomorrow, usual spot. I’ll see you there.” And with that, Tsukishima closed the door behind him.

Hinata didn’t know what to do with himself. He wanted to believe that Tsukishima had been lying, a clever way to get him to go out with the team again. Hinata knew that Tsukishima wouldn’t do that. He may be a bastard, but he wasn’t downright evil.

Hinata had been the last thing on his mind. He had been driving to Hinata to apologize. Hinata wasn’t sure if that made the situation better or worse. On the one hand, there was massive comfort in the fact that Kageyama had not hated him in his final moments, but on the other, maybe if Kageyama had called the paramedics instead…

* * *

_Hinata knew without a doubt in his mind that he was going to hit the next spike. Kageyama knew without a doubt in his mind that if he set to the spot just above the net on the left side, Hinata would hit the ball. And he did._

_“Nice one, Kageyama!” Hinata called as the ball hit the floor with a satisfying slap._

_“They’re all nice ones, boke.”_

_“Hey! Who you calling boke?” Hinata shot back._

_“You, dumbass.” Kageyama said. Hinata beamed at him, then down at the redness on his palms. Just like that, the practice match was over._

_“Next time, we’ll beat Nekoma!” Hinata practically flounced across the gym._

_“Kageyama, Hinata! Clean up duty!” Daichi shouted from across the gym._

_The rest of the team had long since gone when the two of them actually got around to cleaning. It always seemed to work like that. They’d start by saying just one more toss, which turned into approximately two hundred. Hinata appeared with a mop, handing it to Kageyama before saying,_

_“Kageyama? Do you think I’d be a pretty girl?” Kageyama nearly broke the mop over Hinata’s head. What kind of question was that?_

_“Yeah, a pretty unfortunate looking one.”_

_“Hey! Well, I think you’d look better as a girl, less broody.” Hinata replied, starting his floor cleaning routine._

_“Oi, Dumbass! Watch your mouth, or I’ll never set to you again!”_

_“You know you wouldn’t do that, Kageyama.”_

_“I would too! Watch tomorrow’s practice, see what happens!” Hinata just laughed, running from one end of the gym to the other. “But why do you ask?”_

_“I don’t seem to have any luck with girls as a boy, so maybe I’d have better luck with boys as a girl.”_

_“Maybe you should try your luck with boys.” Kageyama wanted to shove an entire volleyball in his mouth. He hadn’t meant to say that, but the blush that spread over Hinata’s face made it entirely worth it._

_“Maybe you’re right.” Hinata said quietly, Kageyama wasn’t even sure he would have heard it had it not been for the fact that he was already staring at Hinata and could see his lips move._

_“I always am.”_


	7. Chapter Seven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Kageyama was the endless blue, Hinata could fly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!! Thank you so much for all the support, you can't possibly know what it means to me. Thank you for reading. Thank you thank you thank you. Sorry for the delay in getting this one up, I just started a new job!

Hinata stared at his closet doors. He’d stared at them before. They didn’t look particularly different this time. Hinata had almost hoped that they had, at least then he could have put off getting dressed for one more minute. He hadn’t exactly promised Tsukishima that he’d go out that night, but he wondered what kind of stunt Tsukishima would pull if he didn’t show. Hinata had read the first of Kageyama’s letters several times, tracing the lines and soaking in every drop of ink until he was sure the letter would become a blank sheet of paper.

Therein lay the issue. The next letter should be number two, but Kageyama had placed them in a different order. Hinata wasn’t sure whether or not he was ready to read the final correspondence yet, his hands clutched both letters, two and fifteen in his hand. He decided that fate was a good a decider as any, he switched them around, shuffling them with his eyes closed, again, and again, and again. He then proceeded to shove them both under his pillow, going in blind seemed to be the best bet. Hinata steeled himself, feeling every little tremble in his chin as he fought back tears for the umpteenth time that day. His right hand began the hunt, diving under the cottony pillowcase. His hands made contact, Hinata latched onto the tiny sheet of paper, pulling it swiftly to his chest. Hinata took a deep breath as he looked down at the number.

Two.

 _Here goes nothing._ Hinata thought.

_Dear Boke in Chief,_

_I would explain why I’ve yet again found myself with pen and paper and thoughts of only you, but I don’t want to. There are more important things at hand. We both failed our exams today. All of them. You seemed pretty down about it, and, worse than that, you got an absolute earful from the team. I think I scared them away with my superior scowling skills, but I heard every word that they said to you. I wanted to talk to you about it after practice, but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I hope this makes up for it._

Hinata’s heart skittered over the words. _I hope this makes up for it._ Hinata wished that Kageyama had known that he had already made up for it. Not just now, but at the time too. Hinata remembered that day, watching as the test scores rolled in, and he and Kageyama fought head to head for the coveted spot at the bottom of the class. Kageyama had made up for it by being there, by ruffling his hair and calling him an idiot, even though they had both spectacularly flunked.

Would Kageyama ever stop trying to make up for things? Would he stop trying to pay off a debt to Hinata that he didn’t owe?

_I was going to tell you that we could study more together, but then I realized that it didn’t really make sense to bounce ideas off of an equally as empty head, (Or slightly more empty in your case), but it would have been nice if we could do it together. You, me, Ennoshita, and Four-eyes. Yeah, I think we could have made it work! Maybe we could get a D next time!_

_Either way, I know I’ll see you at make-up exams. Which is immensely comforting to know that at least I’m not the only idiot in the room. Although, I guess if there were to be a high concentration of idiots anywhere in the world, it would be there, or in the United States, but I digress…_

_But that’s the funny thing. I could be full of a classroom of people that failed just as much as I did, but I would only feel less alone if you were right there with me. Must be something about knowing with absolute certainty that you conquer the whole world in your idiocy, and I am but a subject in the midst of such great magnitude. But whether it’s at lunch, or on the court, or in class, I always feel that way. As long as you’re there, I’ll be alright. If there’s nothing else, at least there’s Hinata Shouyou. If the world were to burn down tomorrow and Ushijima appeared in front of us with a broomstick and the fear of God in his eyes, I know you’d be there with me, a bucket of water and that insatiable fighting spirit in tow. Anyway, I would say that I won’t write anymore of these, but the trend seems to be that I will, but I doubt I’ll ever have you read this one, because it really would go to your head._

_See you at the make-up exam._

And Hinata had seen him there. They had cracked horrible jokes about the teacher and cheated their way through, but they had also passed, which was, in both of their minds, the sole most important thing. Hinata wished he could go back to that day, skip the make-up exams. He figured that everything was a chain reaction from that day, the butterfly flapping its wings being the plans they had made that afternoon to see each other, and the tsunami being Kageyama’s death. He wished he could go back in time and not suggest that they hang out more often, he wished he could tear his own tongue out of his mouth. What was the loss of a tongue when Kageyama wasn’t here to talk to anymore? The tears came slowly at first, then cascaded down his cheeks. He’d give anything to have Kageyama back. The thought had infested his mind, swarming it like ants over a praying mantis. He really would do anything just for the chance to look Kageyama in the eyes, or race him, or have Kageyama ruffle his hair and call him a dumbass.

The thoughts sounded redundant because they were. It was an endless cycle of missing Kageyama, crying about Kageyama, and pleading the universe to exchange Hinata’s pity of a life, for the incomplete masterpiece of Kageyama’s. The most frustrating part was that the universe never listened. Hinata became the howl of the wind, the crash of the waves, the thunder in a black sky. He screamed and he was silent, he lamented and he raged, he ripped his hair out, and he stroked his cheek, but the universe did not respond. There was no Kageyama when Hinata woke up that morning, and regardless of the crying, the screaming, and the horror, there would be no Kageyama when he went to sleep that night.

Hinata’s hand rested on the closet’s doorknob. He had put a negative amount of thought into what he planned to wear, but Hinata also didn’t care what they thought of him. So what? Hinata was already a coward and a liar and by some accounts a complete dumbass. He might as well add poorly dressed to the list. Hinata shrugged on a white tee and a pair of blue jeans. He couldn’t remember if these were the jeans that he had half-puked on earlier in the week or not. Hinata thought it was fair to call it a half puke because next to nothing came up. That’s just what happens when you don’t eat and misery makes you sick. His eyes fell across Kageyama’s Karasuno jacket.

 _Would that be so wrong?_ Hinata asked himself. To curl up in the scent of Kageyama and pretend that he wasn’t a disappointment and a burden to those who cared about him most? If Kageyama would accompany him to the edge, Hinata could take the leap. If Kageyama was the endless blue, Hinata could fly. The decision seemed easy. He should be allowed to have this momentary comfort, regardless of what anyone else thought.

Hinata set out toward their usual spot, an izakaya near Coach Ukai’s. It was twenty-five minutes of hard pedaling, and his legs felt like they were in full on revolt by the time he reached it. Hinata folded at the waist, sweaty and panting. Has it really been that long since I’ve eaten? Hinata asked himself as he felt hunger twisting in his gut at the smell of nearby food. He guessed it had been, he hadn’t had a proper meal in…no since was more like it. The thought alone was enough to spoil Hinata’s appetite, but considering that he had already arrived, he figured there was no use in backing down now. Hinata raised his head to greet the group.

Just in time to watch as Yamaguchi slapped Tsukishima across the face.

* * *

_The makeup exams had mostly gone off without a hitch. Yes, there had been some collaborative effort between friends, but what was life without a little bit of teamwork, right? Hinata’s thoughts buzzed along happily as he exited the exam hall with Kageyama by his side._

_“Do you think you passed this time, dick-for-brains?” Kageyama asked_

_“Hey! I don’t think you have much room to talk, Bakageyama!” Hinata replied. Kageyama simply let out a Tch sound and ruffled Hinata’s bright ginger hair. “Kageyama? Do you ever think about how we don’t see each other much besides volleyball?” Hinata inquired, doe-eyes positively begging Kageyama to stare into them._

_“You mean including make-up exam time? Because if you’re counting that, then we probably see each other a little too much.” Kageyama replied. Hinata rolled his eyes._

_“No, not counting make-up exams.” Hinata felt pretty dumb after asking. Of course, Kageyama didn’t think about that. He assumed that most teammates typically did not want to spend every waking moment with each other._

_“Do you want to come over, is that what you’re trying to say?” Kageyama asked. Hinata whirled to face him, stammering as he tried to come up with a response. He wondered briefly if Kageyama could read minds. Then he realized that if Kageyama could read minds he would have been fucked a long time ago._

_“I—” Hinata started. “It’s okay, if you, um, if you can’t I—I just thought since we can’t practice until exam results are out…” Kageyama said. Hinata was amazed. Kageyama was actually flustered._

_“I would like that.” Hinata finished. Hinata thought he saw a tinge of pink flood Kageyama’s cheeks, but he chalked it up to wishful thinking. The two of them made their way to Kageyama’s house. Hinata filled the walk with idle chit-chat, everything from the exams to the weather to a story about how Natsu had been picking up volleyball a little bit, and how he’d be damned if his little sister outperformed him one day. Kageyama made a wisecrack about how Natsu must be nearly as tall as Hinata by now which earned him a disgruntled glare from the latter._

_Everything was going according to plan, they played round after round of one of Kageyama’s games. Hinata insisted that they play until he could beat Kageyama, which was about fifteen rounds. The time slipped away easily between the two, never a dull moment, and even the quiet ones were quickly occupied by their usual banter._

_Everything was going to plan, at least, until Hinata fell asleep. Whether Kageyama wanted to admit it or not, Hinata was a quick learner, he had started to beat Kageyama about half of the time that they faced off. It made sense that at around eleven, Hinata’s eyelids had started to droop. Hinata had sworn that he was only resting his eyes, but soon enough Kageyama noticed the even rise and fall of Hinata’s chest and knew he was asleep. It had happened often enough on the bus rides to and from tournaments, but it felt different to have Hinata asleep in his house, on his couch. Kageyama studied the tiny ginger boy, usually so full of emotion, wholly at peace. Kageyama flinched at the sound of a car starting up outside, hoping that it hadn’t woken Hinata._

_Hinata woke to the sound of a car starting, but he absolutely refused to open his eyes. He was so tired, and maybe if it looked like he was asleep he wouldn’t have to bike home, and Kageyama would just leave him on the couch._

_Kageyama didn’t know what had possessed him, maybe it was the way that Hinata’s eyelids fluttered as he slept, or the way that Kageyama had always imagined Hinata asleep next to him, not like this, though. Kageyama watched as he stretched his hand out, barely remembering to breathe. He cupped his hand over Hinata’s cheek, stroking a single line across his face._

_Hinata went completely still as he felt Kageyama’s thumb sweep a slow arc across his cheekbone. He could have sworn that he felt Kageyama shiver as he did it._

_He could have sworn that he shivered too._


	8. Chapter Eight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Promise me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Forgive me, for I have sinned. I am so sorry this took my whole entire lifespan to update. I'm a teacher, and everything with school starting has been so crazy. ANyWaY enough of that, here is chapter 8

Hinata bolted toward the izakaya. He had never seen Yamaguchi get violent in his life, he wasn’t even sure that Yamaguchi was capable of violence until now. As he got closer, he could see the tears that were streaking down Yamaguchi’s face as he turned to leave, only to run straight into Hinata.

“H-Hinata!” Yamaguchi feigned a smile before swiping both hands across his cheeks.

“Yamaguchi, what just happened? Are you okay?” Hinata asked, watching as Yamaguchi’s chin trembled with the effort of holding back his tears. Yamaguchi silently shook his head, clutching Hinata’s shoulders.

“Promise me, Hinata.” Yamaguchi said, voice dropping to a grave rumble.

“Promise you what?” Hinata asked, a thousand questions flying through his head.

“ _Promise me_ ” Yamaguchi stressed, shaking his head as he said it. Before Hinata could process the strange question for a second time, Tsukishima approached Yamaguchi from behind. Taking that as his cue, he walked into the izakaya, forcing himself not to look back at the odd pair behind him.

Hinata was tired of promises anyway. They never meant anything. Just some words spoken to ease someone’s mind, just a paper chain to hold the door closed. They were one hundred percent spoken faith, none of which had ever delivered in Hinata’s eyes.

_“Promise me”_

The words echoed in Hinata’s head as he approached the table, but this time it was a different black-haired boy in front of him. This time, there wasn’t even a paper chain to keep Hinata from plunging into the abyss.

Hinata blazed past the table, ignoring the murmured hellos of his teammates. He would face them when he could give them a conversation worth having.

“ _Promise me”_

The words were now beating against his skull, trying to rip free from the bony prison that held them hostage. _Promise me._ _What a fucking joke_. Hinata thought as he rammed his shoulder into the bathroom door, locking it behind him and sliding down the cool wooden plank to rest on the sticky tile. Hinata could no longer afford to believe in promises.

You can’t force meaning onto something so meaningless, so arbitrary. Promises were here one day, gone the next, they stuck to the top of your mouth and clung to the inside of your nails, on your mind for a moment, gone the next. Promises were the piece of invisible string that tied one stranger to the next, promises kept the ball flying toward Hinata, who promised to hit it with everything that he had. Promises had black hair and blue eyes, a brilliant mind, strong hands, and a quiet smile. Perhaps promises had been all that Hinata had, at one time. But time had run out long ago. Now there were only blank stares, and ash gray memories. Now there was only the darkness that hung between the before and the after.

There was Kageyama.

And now there was nothing.

* * *

_“Boke, Hinata! Get it together! We have five minutes until our match starts! Your stomach can’t possibly be hurting now, there isn’t a damn thing left in it!” Kageyama was inches from Hinata’s face, in textbook shirt grabbing position, eyes ablaze with the excitement of the upcoming match._

_“I know, dumbass! You think I want my stomach to hurt? I’ll be fine! Just toss to me like you always do, and this will be an easy win!” Hinata shot back, holding back the bile that kept rising in his throat. The truth was that this match would be far from easy. Aoba Johsai was known for a lot of things, but losing was not one of them. Hinata doubled over, clutching his stomach like his life depended on it._

_“Oi! Hinata!” Kageyama said as he stooped to meet Hinata’s eyes. Hinata was expecting a swift slap across the face, another tongue lashing, or perhaps a never-before-seen weapon from Kageyama’s vast arsenal dedicated to the best ways to beat the ever-loving shit out of Hinata._

_Hinata flinched as Kageyama’s fingers met the smooth underside of his chin, wincing from the pain that ricocheted down into his stomach at the swift motion. But Kageyama merely rested his fingers there, tilting Hinata’s face up to meet his._

_“Are you going to be okay?” Kageyama asked. Hinata really was not in a place to think about the barely detectable trace of genuine concern in Kageyama’s voice, but he fixated on it nonetheless. He knew that things had been slightly different between them since the night that Hinata had come over after the makeup exams. Little glances, a thumbs up after a well-executed spike, restraint when he was mad, where there had been none before. On the other hand, Hinata had never felt like he had been under more intense scrutiny in his life. Just another complication in the exceedingly complex paradox that was Kageyama Tobio._

_“Y-yes I’ll be fine. It usually goes away when the game starts. But Kageyama?” Hinata paused, Kageyama just gazed at him “Don’t hold back, keep tossing to me, okay?”_

_“If you promise me you’ll hit all of them.” Kageyama replied, fingers still placed delicately under Hinata’s chin. Hinata nodded. “Promise me?” Kageyama said, a hint of pink graced his cheekbones as he asked the question._

_“I promise.” Hinata finished, and suddenly the game didn’t seem unwinnable, and his stomach had eased. Hinata felt invincible, and who’s to say he wasn’t?_

* * *

The floor had become a rather uncomfortable place in the time that Hinata had spent in the bathroom. He wondered exactly how long he’d been in there. He silently pleaded that it had been long enough for his teammates to leave, but as he walked out, he spotted the table full of his friends immediately. Nishinoya waved him over, a strained smile possessing his typically carefree features. Hinata dragged his feet every step of the way, doing his best to look like he hadn’t been crying on the bathroom floor for god knows how long.

“Hinata!” Sugawara greeted him, wrapping his arms around Hinata’s slender frame. Hinata pretended not to notice as Sugawara nearly cringed away from him. He wondered if he had become something of a bad omen to his teammates. Get too close, and you, too, may end up in a tacky urn in your mother’s living room.

“Hey there, Sugawara.” Hinata replied after what was undoubtedly a very uncomfortable pause. The table was quiet. Yamaguchi and Tsukishima had returned, but neither would meet the eyes of the other. It seemed that everyone wanted to talk to him, but no one ever had anything to say.

“Thanks for joining us.” This time it was Asahi that offered a small smile, and patted the seat next to him. Hinata regretted that he had never been particularly close with Asahi. Hinata realized almost instantaneously that that wasn’t true. He knew the ins, outs, ups, and downs of every single person at the table. It was just that they paled in comparison to the relationship that he had created with Kageyama. Hinata loved them all, fiercely. There wasn’t a damn thing he wouldn’t do for any one of them, Tsukishima included.

But Kageyama had been a different breed. And no matter how much Hinata wanted to try, he simply could not mimic the perfection that had been Kageyama Tobio. Just like you couldn’t replicate the sun and the moon, or the stars and the sky, the waves and the shore, the light and the darkness that stalked it, ask and answer, chaos and calm, create and destroy, the list went on and on, because no matter how many times you describe fatal attraction, it still means the same thing.

* * *

_Hinata thought he would die. The burning in his lungs refused to cease as he pedaled the home stretch to the Karasuno gym. Okay so maybe letting Tanaka and Noya talk him into skinny dipping in the middle of January hadn’t been such a good idea. But it had seemed like not the worst idea they’d ever had by a long shot. So, of course, Hinata had followed through with it._

_However, he’d been getting sicker for the past couple days. It started with a cough here and there, a bout of chills every so often, but now he couldn’t breathe through either nostril and his body was going full-on mutiny mode. By the time that Hinata had made it to the bike rack, he was certain he had about five steps left in him before his lungs told him to fuck off for good. Hinata’s vision swam as he turned to greet Kageyama, who was waiting for their morning race. He had raised a hand in greeting when the trees suddenly replaced the sun and sky made a last-minute replacement for the floor, leaving Hinata’s head to slap against the ground._

_Kageyama was standing over Hinata in an instant, confident that Hinata had ascended to the next realm._

_“Hinata! Hinata, you dumbass!” Kageyama yelled while Hinata blinked open his eyes and offered him a dopey smile. Kageyama placed the back of his hand against Hinata’s forehead. “Damn it, Hinata, you’re burning up. Do you even know what it means to take care of yourself? Do you understand how to do that?” Kageyama leveled his tone as much as he could, trying to fight off the panic that was slowly but surely creeping into his chest._

_“Haha. Yama.” Hinata mumbled, holding a single finger out to land on Kageyama’s nose. Kageyama’s eyes widened almost comically, before a blush flooded his face. Kageyama’s heart felt like it might leap out of his chest. There was obviously something very wrong with Hinata, and Kageyama had no idea what to do about it._

_“H-Hinata? I need you to promise me something, a few things actually.”_

_“Okay…geyama, haha, geyama.” Kageyama wasn’t sure if he should help Hinata after that one, but the pounding in his chest made up his mind for him. Kageyama swallowed hard, looking over the shivering boy, who was still somehow managing to sweat in the snow. “I need you to promise me that you’ll stop being such a colossal idiot, and at least try to take care of yourself, and I need you to promise me that you won’t tell anyone about this.” Kageyama finished, taking off his scarf, and wrapping it around Hinata._

_“About what, Kagma?” Hinata asked, but Kageyama didn’t answer. Instead, Kageyama slipped his arms underneath Hinata’s body and carried him toward the gym._

_“Promise me you’ll be alright, Hinata. Promise me. Promise me. Promise me.” Hinata watched as the doors got closer before everything went completely black._

* * *

Hinata had smiled through the dinner. Laughing at Tanaka’s crude jokes, giving Daichi a knowing look, nodding along with Sugawara’s stories, all on cue. Hinata felt like he deserved an award for that alone. He had just crossed the threshold of the little establishment when a slender hand curved around his shoulder. “Hinata! Let me give you a ride home!” Yamaguchi’s sweet voice greeted Hinata as he turned around. Hinata racked his brain for an excuse before landing on the perfect one.

“Thanks, Yamaguchi, but I came up here on my bike. I’ll see you next time though!” “I’ve got my mom’s van today! Your bike will fit no problem, plus it’s getting really dark, and I know we’re a long way from your house!” Yamaguchi smiled as he said it, but Hinata couldn’t help but sense the urgency behind the words. Hinata begrudgingly wheeled his bike into the back of the van before silently buckling his seatbelt and waiting. Yamaguchi joined him a moment later, a single cardboard box in his hand.

“Tsukki gave this to me, right before I um…hit him. It’s for you. It’s from—”

“Kageyama.” Hinata finished for him. Yamaguchi just silently nodded.

“Why did you hit him?”

“He…said some things. I know that we all grieve differently, but to just say things like that after everything that happened with Kageyama, I guess I just finally decided enough was enough. I couldn’t listen anymore.” Yamaguchi’s voice trailed off as he finished his reply. Hinata didn’t want to press for details, but at the same time, what right did Yamaguchi have to be so vague and hand him yet another piece of the boy he missed so deeply.

“What did he say?”

“Hinata, I really shouldn’t—”

“Tell me what he said, please. I can take it.”

“You shouldn’t have to, Hinata.” Yamaguchi said, but Hinata just looked at him expectantly. Yamaguchi took a single steadying breath before starting. “He started by saying that he was confused as to why you thought that Kageyama hated you this whole time. Then he started talking about…how his mother is close with Kageyama’s, and how that’s why he knew about the will and everything…but two nights ago he found a box while helping Ms. Kageyama go through Kageyama’s school things…and he said that he knew it was for you because of what was in it. He didn’t say what was, but then…” Yamaguchi loosed a breath, biting into his knuckle as tears began to streak their way down his face. “Then he said that he wouldn’t be surprised if…when you saw it…you…got some…ideas.” Yamaguchi was now shaking with the effort of finishing the conversation, but Hinata knew exactly what Tsukishima had meant.

“Yamaguchi, it’s alright. I don’t want you to worry. Please don’t worry.” Hinata whispered into the stale air of the SUV. Yamaguchi slid his eyes to meet Hinata’s.

“Promise me, Hinata. Please, please, promise me.” Yamaguchi’s voice tumbled over the words, tripping over every please and falling over the promises.

* * *

_Kageyama turned to face Hinata, a grin so splendid taking over his face. “We did it, Hinata. We really did it. Shiratorizawa didn’t stand a chance against us…against you!” Kageyama smiled down at Hinata, who was looking up at him like he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “_

_It wasn’t all me, Bakageyama! You think my crappy receives saved our ass?” Hinata laughed, but Kageyama’s face grew still._

_“Hinata, you were amazing. I’ve never played so well. I’ve never felt that way on the court. You have no idea how infectious that attitude of yours is, do you?” Kageyama said, a small smile playing across his lips. Hinata turned to face Kageyama, before taking a chance on what was perhaps the wildest of all his hopes._

_“Promise me we can always play together. Promise me we’ll take it all the way to the top.”_

_“_ _I promise.” Kageyama’s voice was rife with sincerity as he gazed down at his little wildfire. “I promise we’ll go there. All the way to the top.”_

* * *

“I can’t promise you anything, Yamaguchi.”


	9. Chapter Nine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There wasn’t enough warning in the world to prepare him for what lay there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So happy to be back in the groove! I missed you all so dearly. Thank you for your ongoing love and support, you are so incredible.

Hinata stared at the calendar. It had to be wrong. It simply wasn’t possible that Hinata hadn’t left his house for a week. Then again, he knew he hadn’t left since Yamaguchi dropped him off seven nights ago. The days had begun to bleed together so much that Hinata wasn’t entirely sure that he was even looking at the right month.

Hinata turned his gaze to the remaining thirteen letters on his bed, and the box that sat next to them. It was a strange feeling. He wanted to read them so badly that he didn’t know what to do with himself, but at the same time he felt like with every letter that he finished, he was permanently letting go of another piece of Kageyama, and pieces of Kageyama were exceptionally rare at this point.

His reflection was a somber sight. Cloaked in Kageyama’s jacket for the seventh consecutive day, hair that did not remember what it felt like to be brushed, and cheeks so hollow that you could fit a swimming pool’s worth of water in them. Hinata scrubbed his hands over his face.

Kageyama intended for him to read the letters. Kageyama likely did not intend for him to see the contents of the cardboard box. Hinata brought himself before the altar that was his best friend’s possessions once more, gingerly reaching a finger out to skim along the rough edge of the box.

“Kageyama, what am I supposed to do here?” Hinata whispered into his empty room, embarrassed at the fact that he half expected there to be a response, a sign from god at the very least. Hinata turned his gaze to the window, watching the telephone pole and the traffic below, Hinata sucked in a gasp as a large crow settled onto the wire. Well, you know what they say. Ask and ye shall receive. Hinata grasped the box, slipping his finger into the gap between the top and the side and pulled it open. There wasn’t enough warning in the world to prepare him for what lay there.

Hinata’s eyes flitted first to the newspaper clipping that lay on top, clear tape covered every inch of the paper in an attempt to preserve it, or so Hinata assumed. It was from the paper after the team had made it to nationals. The newspaper had interviewed both Hinata and Kageyama, but the clipping was only a photo of Hinata about to hit a spike, and a few of Hinata’s interview responses printed below.

* * *

_“Some say that you are on a path to be Japan’s next tiny giant. Is that your goal?” The interviewer leaned closer to Hinata and Kageyama as he asked the question, placing the tip of his pencil against his cheek in thought._

_“When I started playing volleyball, that was definitely who I looked up to the most, but now I’m more interested in being the first ever Hinata Shouyou.” Hinata beamed, turning questioning eyes to Kageyama to see if his answer had been exceptionally moronic or not. Kageyama looked back at him, but there wasn’t a trace of mockery in them. Rather, a sort of quiet surprise and pride lingered behind the setter’s blue eyes. Hinata’s eyes widened and he snapped his attention back to the interviewer who was rapidly taking notes on Hinata’s response._

_“Right, right, well, I’d say that leaves you with even bigger shoes to fill! Your match against Shiratorizawa was quite impressive! Talk about a comeback for Karasuno! Okay, now, what would you say has made this season possible?” The interviewer asked, pencil and paper at the ready. Hinata mulled over the question for a moment before preparing his answer. The captains had made more than just this season possible; they had made Hinata’s entire volleyball career possible. They were the obvious reason for Hinata’s success, always pushing him hard, but also there to catch him when he fell._

_“I would say it all comes down to…” Hinata paused, unsure as to why his answer had been stopped short, “Kageyama.” The black-haired boy whipped around to look at Hinata. Hinata wanted to chew through his own tongue._

_“Interesting,” the interviewer began, “And why is that?”_

_“Well…I know it’s hard to believe now, but Kageyama and I actually started out as sworn enemies. His team beat me in my first ever match, and I swore that I’d surpass him one day. Then…we were on the same team, and, don’t get me wrong, we don’t always see eye to eye, but behind every spiker is a setter who’s working twice as hard. In our case, we’ve got the best setter in Japan, so you can imagine that it’s pretty difficult to lose when you’ve got that going for you.” Hinata finished, refusing to meet Kageyama’s eyes._

_“So, Kageyama, what do you have to say to that?” The interviewer said, shifting to face Kageyama._

_“I’d say that Hinata is criminally underrating himself. It wasn’t until I was on a team with him that I showed any real improvement. In fact, I was benched in the last game of my middle school career. I think I’d still be benched if it weren’t for Hinata.” Kageyama stated it like fact, and Hinata unsuccessfully tried to squash the blush that was creeping across his face._

_“It sounds like you two are quite the dynamic duo! I wish you the best in your future volleyball endeavors! Now, if I may have a word with the captains…”_

* * *

It didn’t make sense. Why had Kageyama kept Hinata’s section of the interview instead of his own? Most of the questions had been directed at Kageyama, given the fact that he was basically a genius. Hinata turned the page over, a sheet of notebook paper had been taped to the back, covering an ad for meat buns.

_My proudest moment._

Hinata read the single line of text over and over again, wondering if it would vanish if he looked away from it. There it was, the final piece of the newspaper clipping puzzle. Kageyama’s proudest moment had been listening to Hinata talk about how much he admired him. Hinata didn’t know what to think, especially not once he moved his thumb to reveal the date in the corner.

It had been dated after graduation. Tsukishima’s words came to mind, slowly unravelling themselves. _He didn’t hate you_. Tears pricked the edges of Hinata’s eyes. Even after everything Hinata had said and done, Kageyama’s proudest moment was still hearing Hinata praise him. Hinata’s attention drifted to the letters. He figured that if Kageyama had gone to such lengths to write them, the least he could do was listen.

Three.

* * *

_Hinata,_

_Welcome back, here I am again. This time I’m writing to you from English class. You’re sitting in front of me, but too dense to catch on to what I’m writing. I’m sure if you knew, I’d never hear the end of it. Anyway, doesn’t this class really suck? I’d rather practice receives with you for six hours than spend another minute in this class, which means a lot. Have I mentioned that your receives get worse by the day? Maybe if you stopped trying to roll around on the floor like Nishinoya, you’d do better, but I doubt it._

_You came by my place the other day, and you fell asleep on my couch. Typical dumbassery._

_You just answered another question wrong. Is there anything except a giant volleyball between your ears? Don’t get me wrong, I love the sport as much as you, but sometimes I wonder if you’re just some kind of volleyball robot._

_I think you were right. We should spend more time together. I miss not being the dumbest person in the room sometimes, and you never disappoint. Remember that time that Tanaka bet us that if we both passed our modern Japanese exam; he’d wear a dress to school? I don’t think either of us have ever studied harder in our lives. We even asked Tsukishima and Ennoshita to help us! But Tanaka said that was cheating, so we just ended up in the team room studying for like four hours a day? I mean we still failed, but imagine if we had passed! That would have been so good._

_At least we’re in this class together. You really do make it more bearable. I remember when you got sick for a few days and couldn’t come to class. Literally some of the worst days of my life. I’d walk in and not see your obnoxiously orange hair, and I knew it would be a bad day. Maybe one day I’ll tell you about some of the other worst days of my life. I think you’d find one or two of them funny._

_Catch you later, Kageyama._

* * *

Hinata silently cursed himself for letting his tears fall onto the paper, blurring the ink in some areas. He quickly set the letter aside, pulling his knees to his chest.

Hinata had a short list of all the worst days of his life. Two weeks ago ranked number one. Spots two through fourteen were occupied by every single day that came after. Spot fifteen was dutifully kept by the day they fought. Because even that day was leagues and leagues above the non-existence that he lived now. He’d take the anger over the silence any day. If Kageyama really had hated him for the rest of his life, Hinata would be more than happy to oblige. He’d play the part, he’d spend every day sobbing and apologizing if it meant he could hear Kageyama’s voice again. He’d spend every day yelling, screaming, and raging if it meant that he could really truly feel again. He’d burn down all of Japan just to warm himself by the fire.

He’d do anything for that little taste of everything.

Hinata turned his attention to the cardboard box again, finding half a sheet of dirty paper that had clearly once been soaking wet.

_Most Likely to Scare Ushijima._

Hinata stalled. He knew this piece of paper. The memory of it had been burned in Hinata’s mind for months now. He remembered everything about it. The night, the words, the ceremony, the anger, the fighting. But most of all he remembered the way it felt in his hands as he tore it in half. Hinata held his breath as he turned it over, finding yet another line of messy handwriting.

_The worst day of my life._


	10. Chapter Ten

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The precious, the painful, the passionate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! I love writing this one, it really just gets me idk. Anyway, as always, your kudos, comments, and bookmarks mean the world to me. Whenever I need to reaffirm myself I read through these comments. So if you've left a comment, just know that I've read it probably fifty times and I love and adore you.

_Hinata was never one to go to parties, at least not until Daichi and Sugawara had invited him out to one. They had called it a reunion of sorts. The plan was to have dinner and play volleyball. To Hinata, it sounded a whole lot like practice, except with alcohol involved, and without Kageyama yelling about his receives every five seconds. The problem was that Hinata was now deciding what to wear and trying very hard not to think about what Kageyama would think about whatever he chose. He had never faced this dilemma before. Two years on the same team, and Hinata had never once given even half a fuck about what the setter saw him wearing. What a stupid thing to care about. Kageyama had seen him soaked in his own vomit, crying on the floor, and Hinata was trying to decide whether the green sweatshirt or the blue would complement his eyes better._

_Hinata tried on both what felt like a dozen times before going with the green. In Hinata’s humble opinion, the green really set off his hair and stood out more against the black jeans that he had carefully selected based on how they accentuated his…nevermind. Hinata shook his head to clear his mind. He could already feel a tight ball of nerves settling in his chest, and he was not eager to make it any worse._

_Yamaguchi had offered to pick up both him and Kageyama since he had his mom’s van that night. When the doorbell rang at eight, Hinata shouldn’t have been surprised, but he scrambled to collect his things nonetheless. Hinata had been put in charge of bringing napkins which was, allegedly, the only thing he likely wouldn’t completely fuck up (choice words courtesy of Kageyama and seconded by Tsukishima) Hinata found it interesting how the pair could never agree on anything with the glaring exception of Hinata’s incompetence. Hinata hurried to the door, greeted by Yamaguchi’s pleasant smile._

_“Hey there, Hinata! Ready to go?” Yamaguchi asked. Hinata wondered if Yamaguchi’s smile ever faltered. His money was on that it didn’t. It took a special kind of person to endure Tsukishima._

_“Yeah! Let’s go!” Hinata smiled back Yamaguchi who’s face cracked open into a grin, followed by a laugh._

_“Hinata, you don’t have any shoes on.” Yamaguchi was nearly doubled over at this point with laughter. Hinata blushed before slipping into his beat-up white practice shoes and following Yamaguchi out to the van. “You want front seat? I haven’t picked Kageyama up yet.” Hinata pretended not to notice the twitch at the corner of Yamaguchi’s mouth as he said it. So maybe behind Yamaguchi’s quiet contentment, he was equally as much of a mischievous bastard as Tsukishima._

_“Kageyama would probably throw me out of the front seat the second we get there. I’ll take the back.”_

_Hinata wiped his hands on his jeans as they pulled into Kageyama’s driveway. He watched Kageyama’s front door dutifully, trying to stifle the little intake of breath that escaped him as he watched Kageyama’s figure step out on to the porch. Kageyama was clad in a tight-fitting black T-shirt, but it was the white jeans that caught his attention. Hinata racked his brain, but he couldn’t recall a time he had ever seen Kageyama looking so…good. Kageyama looked good, and it had ignited a fire somewhere between Hinata’s lungs and his stomach._

_Hinata snapped his attention to the headrest in front of him as Kageyama approached the car. Which lasted all of two seconds before Hinata’s traitorous eyes were back on Kageyama. Which, conveniently, allowed for Hinata to watch Kageyama’s eyes flicker to the empty front seat, then to meet Hinata’s eyes as Kageyama reached for the door that opened to the back seat._

_“Hey, Hinata.” Kageyama commented, settling himself into the car and fastening the seatbelt with one hand, something that should definitely have not made Hinata’s heartbeat quicken, but definitely did._

_“What, Kageyama? Don’t want to sit with me?” Yamaguchi asked, and Hinata made a mental note that Tsukishima and Yamaguchi were very well-suited to each other._

_“I assume Tsukishima has sat there.” Kageyama offered up, sending a text before turning his attention to Hinata._

_“Did you bring the napkins?”_

_“W-What? Oh! Yes, they’re right here!” Hinata said quickly, gesturing to the bag at his feet._

_“Damn it. I just lost five bucks to Nishinoya.” Kageyama said, turning his attention back to his phone, where Hinata assumed he was informing Nishinoya of his recently increased net worth._

_“I-uh, should I be offended?” Hinata asked, genuinely unsure of what to say._

_“Offended? No. Depending on who you like more between me and Nishinoya, you should either be satisfied or apologizing.” Kageyama smiled as he said it, but Hinata’s eyes were doing their best impression of dinner plates as he attempted to decode exactly what Kageyama could have possibly meant, and trying to decide if what it meant was absolutely nothing._

_“I-I’m sorry?” Hinata said, wishing he could scoop out his voice box with a spoon. That, however, caught Kageyama’s attention, who was now blushing quite obviously and looking at Hinata, but as quickly as the expression appeared, it vanished, replaced by a signature smirk and the dark blue eyes that Hinata just couldn’t get out of his head._

_“I’m flattered, Hinata, but I’m still out five dollars.” Kageyama replied, tilting his head. “But you know what would make it up to me?”_

_“What?” Hinata asked, voice loaded with trepidation. Hinata could not help but feel like he had just walked into a trap. Either that, or he had laid the trap entirely on his own and still managed to get caught in it._

_“Get better at receives. Seriously. You suck. I’m trying to win this year.” Kageyama shot back. Now it was Hinata’s turn to blush. What had he expected? This was Kageyama after all._

_“Okay, yeah, receives.” Hinata mumbled, caught in a staring contest with his shoelaces._

_He was so focused, in fact, on the dirty white strings that he didn’t notice the way that Kageyama’s gaze lingered on his face, or the way that Kageyama’s fingers twitched, only inches away from his own. He was unaware of the fact that Kageyama had debated asking Hinata to take him out to dinner. He was unaware of the way that Kageyama thought that the green sweatshirt made him look positively radiant, or the way that Kageyama ran his teeth across his bottom lip in an attempt satiate the urge to press them against Hinata’s. He was unaware, but his shoelaces probably adored the extra attention._

_The ride was silent, but not in an uncomfortable way. Hinata was content just to sit next to Kageyama, and there was no place on earth that Kageyama would rather be._

* * *

Hinata had hung the soggy award on his wall. He figured that he needed the reminder that he completely deserved that his life had come to resemble a giant steaming pile of shit. Hinata felt like while he hadn’t shoved the pills down Kageyama’s throat two weeks ago, he might as well have. The letters still stared at him from across the room, and the box still sat open next to them, but instead of being afraid of what pieces of Kageyama he may find in there, he was afraid of what pieces of himself he would find. After all, the box seemed to be Kageyama’s little Hinata collection, and with every object he pulled from the box, the heavier and darker the cloud over Hinata became. He wasn’t sure if that made him a coward or not. He wished that the answer wasn’t yes.

Kageyama was gone.

Kageyama was gone.

Kageyama was gone.

And the things he left behind, the precious, the painful, the passionate, were all there. Perhaps, to Kageyama, the most precious thing he left behind also happened to be wearing his volleyball jacket and could not remember the last time he showered.

And once again, the infinitely precious possession knelt before the God inside the little cardboard box, and sought strength he already had, and guidance he didn’t need. He prayed to the God for forgiveness, he promised the God he’d get better at receives, he promised the God he’d listen until his eyes ran out of tears and his lungs ran out of breath. Because loyalty doesn’t start where the road ends, rather it is a divine beginning. And once again the infinitely precious possession turned his hands to the stack of paper. And he listened.

Four.

* * *

_Hinata,_

_I don’t know what to do. So, I decided that you’re as good a dumbass as any to talk to about this._

_Lately, I’ve felt off my game, and I’m sure you’ve noticed. Don’t get me wrong, my sets are still great, but they aren’t perfect. Typically, that’s not so bad, nothing a couple hours of practice can’t fix. After our last game, I had never felt better. We were on fire! I didn’t think there was a team in all of Japan that could have stopped us. Then, something sort of shifted, It started about a week ago, when we all went out to get dinner after the game to celebrate how well we did. I had so much fun that night, even though Tsukishima was there, which is how I know I had fun, because I didn’t even roll my eyes at him a single time, but anyway, the next day at practice I kept getting distracted. Things that usually I wouldn’t even bat an eye at were suddenly taking up all my attention. I don’t mean I was stuck staring at the clock, or the net, or the ball, or anything, it was something else. Every time I would go to set, it’s like there’s a split-second delay. What is frustrating me, is that I don’t even know what it is that is distracting me._

_I’m not making any sense and it’s such a hard thing to pinpoint. It’s almost like I can feel it coming, a little bit of lightness in my chest. It wasn’t happening every single time, but a lot of the time it was. The only thing that fixed it was setting to Tanaka, which I know made you mad because you wouldn’t stop whining about it after practice. I think it’s because with Tanaka my sets don’t need to be anywhere near perfect. He doesn’t move as quickly as you do, which makes it a lot easier to set to him. You were still hitting the balls that I set to you, but I didn’t give you as much time as I could have and I just wish I knew why. In order for this season to go as well as I want it to, I need to give you the most perfect set that I can._

_I think that’s why this is so frustrating. I let down the whole team when my sets aren’t perfect, but I also let down you. And that’s somehow worse because you’re always giving it more than one hundred percent, and if I’m even at ninety-nine it makes me absolutely pale in comparison. On top of that, I’m pretty sure I just figured out what is distracting me. The thing that I keep looking at right before my hands connect with the ball._

_It’s you, Hinata._

_Kageyama_

* * *

Hinata set down the letter. He remembered that day. Kageyama’s sets had been almost perfect, but he was right. Something had been off, just by a millimeter. If Hinata was thinking of the right day, this would have been right between their first and second year. This would have been around the same time as the party.

Hinata hadn’t thought of the party in a while. After all, Hinata hadn’t had much time to dwell on the good times lately. Hinata wanted to smile at the memory, it had been a wonderful night, but it had also been another one of the nights that were once again the precursor to the catastrophe that had come next. The smile that comes before the tears. Hinata remembered the white jeans, the black shirt, Kageyama had looked absolutely gorgeous that night. He remembered that he had had just a little too much to drink for a first-timer, but so had Kageyama. He remembered Asahi carrying him up the stairs, laying him on the bed, only to appear with Kageyama hanging off his shoulders moments later. He remembered the intoxicating smell of Kageyama as it wound its way around him. He remembered that simultaneously fighting the urge to get closer to Kageyama and trying not to vomit was very unpleasant. But it all seemed so faded now, except for one detail that he’d never forget.

Hinata remembered the feeling of Kageyama’s arm around him in the morning very well.


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An investigation into honesty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys you probably thought I died. I low-key almost did. I got COVID19 oops but I'm back please enjoy!

_Kageyama woke to the warm puff of Hinata’s breath on his cheeks. A drowsy contentment purred in his chest, his arm was propped up on a pillow, and he felt surprisingly sober for how much he had had to drink last night. The pillow beneath Kageyama’s arm began rising and falling in time with Hinata’s breaths, Kageyama snapped his attention to the pillow, which was, indeed the small barrel of Hinata’s chest. Kageyama froze. He could carefully extract his arm and risk waking Hinata, but likely spare him the embarrassment of being caught with his arm around the small boy next to him. He could remain where he was and just pray to the god of volleyball and bromance that none of his teammates walked in on it. That still didn’t solve the problem of what to do when Hinata woke up, but Kageyama felt like he could handle whatever Hinata could come up with._

_Hinata shifted beneath him and Kageyama held his breath. It was so rare for Hinata to be quiet, that Kageyama wanted to treasure the moment. It most definitely did not have anything to do with the way that Kageyama’s heart was racing in his chest, or the way that his cheeks were tinted a lovely shade of pink, or the way that looking over Hinata made him swell with some unnamed emotion. Kageyama didn’t dare to move as Hinata buried himself into Kageyama’s chest. He only hoped that his pounding heart wouldn’t wake the tiny wildfire that was currently keeping him warm. Kageyama relaxed as Hinata’s breathing became more even and measured, even going so far as to stroke his thumb across Hinata’s shoulder blades to pass the time. It was sometime later that Kageyama became drowsy once more, eyelids drooping closed. He hadn’t quite lost consciousness when Hinata woke, going unnervingly still before carefully disentangling himself from between Kageyama’s arms. As far as Kageyama knew, Hinata assumed he was sleeping, and Kageyama was desperate to keep the act up long enough to be convincing._

_"Morning, K’yama.” Hinata mumbled, sitting up and yawning. Hinata went dead quiet after. It took all of Kageyama’s tremendous willpower not to flinch as Hinata’s hand connected with his cheek. Kageyama expected this to be some kind of wake-up tactic, but the soft press of Hinata’s lips against his forehead said otherwise. Kageyama couldn’t fight his eyes from snapping open at that. It was like a train wreck in slow motion, watching as Hinata leapt back from Kageyama so quickly that he didn’t realize that he was already at the end of the bed. Hinata’s head connected with the wall with a satisfying smack, and Kageyama scrambled over to him, cursing Hinata every step of the way. How was it even possible that someone could hit their head this many times and still be alive?_

_Hinata was out cold, and Kageyama debated calling an ambulance, but he doubted that the rest of his team would appreciate the disturbance at this hour. So Kageyama sat next to Hinata and waited for him to come to. He waited a lot, he realized. Playing the long game was proving to be quite tiring, and he was running out of patience, besides, what’s one slip up in the grand scheme of things? Kageyama though, allowing himself the moment of weakness to drop down to Hinata’s forehead and place a fluttering kiss over the spot that had just nearly put a hole in the drywall._

* * *

Hinata woke to the sound of sirens racing their way down the street. He hated the way that his heart leapt into his chest at the sound. Had the sirens that took Kageyama sounded the same? If they had gone just a little bit faster…would Kageyama still be here? Hinata’s heart twisted in his chest and he secretly prayed for whoever the sirens were protecting. He hoped that no one else would feel the kind of loss that had tattooed itself across Hinata’s shoulders. After finishing the fourth letter, Hinata had needed a moment to himself, to greet the grey quiet in his mind, and to wonder about what it could have meant.

Kageyama had looked at Hinata an innumerable amount of times during their time together. This seemed different though. Hinata pondered over the alleged lightness in his chest before the realization that Kageyama had been preoccupied with none other than Hinata himself. He ran his hands through his flaming orange hair, hoping that he would sift out answers from between the strands. How could Kageyama have kept so much of this to himself? If only he had known that Hinata was right there, waiting, aching, wishing, hanging onto Kageyama like a lifeline. If only he had known, and Hinata realized, once more, that Kageyama could have known. If Hinata had not cowered from the warmth in his chest, if he had set himself alight and watched the ashes fly. If only Hinata had taken the penultimate step. Hinata wondered what it might have felt like to truly be on fire.

Hinata took a shower.

Water dripped off his fingertips and ran down his back in tiny rivulets as he pressed the palm of his hand to the crown of his head. It wasn’t that he had a particular fixation on the spot, but rather, Kageyama had. It was the choice spot for hair ruffling part time, and a good old-fashioned slap in its free time. Hinata’s mind drifted back to the party. He’d kissed Kageyama that morning. Kageyama had woken up, and Hinata had given himself a concussion to make up for it. He pretended not to remember anything beyond the night before when he came to, though now he wished he could just admit it. Look Kageyama right in those steely blue eyes and tell him, in no uncertain terms, that Hinata would never look at anyone the way that he looked at Kageyama. That Hinata wouldn’t lament the beauty of the stars, or the light of the moon, not as long as Kageyama was there.

 _How nice._ Hinata thought, that the bravery to say these things reached him now.

Five.

* * *

_Hinata,_

_I’m so tired. I’ve tried to write this in at least six different drafts, I don’t know why that’s even important. You’re never going to read these. After that last one, there’s no possible way I could bear it. I’m confident you’d mail it to every newspaper in Japan just to gloat that you were the sole perpetrator in breaking my focus. I say that every time, I know, but they just seem to escalate, and I figure that it’s because if I cannot talk to you, I might as well talk about you instead. And this is my solution to that. If I can keep it all on paper, there’s no harm in doing so. The truth is ■■■■■■■ and there’s nothing I can do about it. Trust me, I’ve tried. I’ve talked myself in and out of it more times than I could possibly count, and still, it remains the one thing that holds undeniable truth. I’d sooner believe that the earth is flat, like Nishinoya, than question the truth of that statement. It may not seem like that large of a revelation when I put it on paper, but if only you knew. I’ve hung on to it, let it go, shoved it in my volleyball bag, hung it on the wall, and at the end of the day it just never goes away. How very much like you, to never leave me alone, even when I beg, and how even more like you to never just shut up. Seriously, never. I even tried meditation, which didn’t work by the way. Nothing does. But this just might. Maybe putting it down on paper will fix it. Nationals qualifiers are coming up, and I can’t afford to have anything but a giant volleyball in my head._

_Kageyama_

_P.S. It doesn’t help that you and volleyball are practically the same exact thing. Seriously. Doesn’t. Help._

* * *

Hinata traced a finger over the thick black line that obscured the supposed “truth”. Hinata had not known Kageyama to be one for dramatics, but this was certainly changing his mind. In Hinata’s humble opinion, Kageyama should not have given him the letter if he couldn’t read the most important line. That didn’t mean he couldn’t hope. Hinata knew what he wanted it to be. Hinata did not go so far as to indulge the thoughts, he didn’t know if he could handle this one.

But more than that. Hinata didn’t know what to do if his foolish hope was correct. What’s the use in throwing yourself out into that vast promise if there is no one to receive you? What’s the use in cooking a lovely dinner if you eat by yourself? What’s the use of the sunset if there is no one to watch? What’s the use in being in love by yourself?

Hinata was roused from his thoughts by none other than Natsu at his door. She stood tentatively at the threshold, as if not wanting to dive into the murky aura that now had begun to suffocate the tiny space.

“What is it Natsu?” Hinata asked, sending his sister an inquisitive look.

“Look what I made!” Natsu said proudly, presenting a large piece of paper full of leaves. Hinata narrowed his eyes at the project, taking in the incredibly detailed drawings.

“Natsu, how did you draw those?” Hinata asked. It wasn’t that Natsu was a horrible artist, but rather Hinata did not understand how Natsu could have drawn such realistic leaves in green crayon.

“We put leaves under the paper and colored over them! It makes them show up!” She explained, tiny chest puffing up with pride. “It works with other stuff, too! Like coins, or sometimes you can do it with paper! Do you like it, Hinata?” Natsu’s eyes were shining as she continued to clutch the drawing with her tiny hands.

“I do, Natsu, it’s very nice!” Hinata added, trying to throw in a smile, but his lips couldn’t quite find a way to make it up the steep curve.

“I want you to have it!” Natsu declared before passing the drawing to Hinata and scurrying out the door. Hinata peered down at the drawing, trying not to cry at the small kindness that Natsu had displayed.

Hinata hung the drawing next to Kageyama’s award. It wasn’t until late that night as Hinata regarded the drawing that Natsu’s words echoed around his head.

_It works with other things, too! Like coins, or sometimes you can do it with paper!_

Hinata gasped in a breath before tearing through his desk, finding nothing except a single piece of pencil lead. He didn’t dare pray on this one. He didn’t want a god to blame if it didn’t work. Hinata turned the pencil lead on its side, and flipped the letter over. His fingers hesitated, until now this piece of paper was unbridled Kageyama, was it wrong to draw on it? What if it didn’t work? He thought of it as an investigation into honesty if nothing else. Hinata’s fingers moved, gently scrubbing the lead across the surface of the letter.

Hinata’s breath caught in his throat as three slightly darker words began to appear. Hinata abandoned the lead to the desk holding the letter to his chest. The words were backwards. Hinata bolted to the mirror, the letter still firmly positioned over his chest, the tears fell before he finished comprehending the sentence. This, Hinata thought, must be the strangest form of cruelty he’d ever experienced. Whatever black hearted deity had poured his deepest desire over his body two weeks too late, was surely laughing. Hinata read the words again, and again, he passed hours in front of the mirror, reading what the pencil had revealed to him.

_I love you._

_The truth is I love you._


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the earth, the sky, and the stars that decorate it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi hi, here's another chapter. Holy shit, thank you all for the support on the last chapter. I love reading your comments, and you probably think I'm BS-ing right now, but I have my notifications turned on specifically for comments because they bring me so much joy. Thank you all so much for that.

_Kageyama watched as Tsukishima walked into practice looking ever-so-slightly like more of a bastard than usual. It didn’t sit right with Kageyama, especially not when Tsukishima pulled out a glass jar from his volleyball bag and set it on the table near the whiteboard where Ukai would draw out their volleyball plays._

_Tsukishima sent a look to Yamaguchi, who smiled an ever-so-slightly sweeter smile than usual. It didn’t fool Kageyama. He had spent enough time observing the two to realize that Yamaguchi was merely the other side of the coin of Tsukishima. Maybe they looked different, but deep down, they were the exact same. Tsukishima just didn’t give enough shits to hide it the way Yamaguchi did. Kageyama ruefully thought that they were perfect for each other. That’s not to say that they were together, though Kageyama was secretly running a bet with himself about it. Kageyama number one was running out of time, the Inter-highs were coming up and they still were nothing more than a strange couple of best friends. Kageyama number two had a better shot of winning, the deadline for him still nearly six months out. Kageyama’s thoughts were interrupted by none other than Hinata dashing out of the locker room, except this time Hinata was dashing directly at him._

_“Kageyama!” Hinata yelled, bolting quickly behind Kageyama, ducking so that his orange hair wouldn’t be seen over the setter’s shoulders._

_“God, Hinata! What do you want?” Kageyama tried to sound intimidating, but he was sure he had fallen short. What could he say? It was difficult for him to sound scary when his heart was doing jumping jacks in his chest. All Kageyama could do was focus on every point of contact that Hinata was making with his back. Hinata just whimpered in response, it almost sounded like Tanaka’s name, but that wouldn’t make any—_

_“Where is that little orange traitor!” Tanaka’s voice cut through the gym. Hinata’s hand twisted in the back of Kageyama’s shirt._

Dear sweet volleyball gods. _Kageyama pleaded._ Please get me through this _._

_Tanaka began his sweep of the gym, looking in all the places that would be small enough to fit Hinata. The search lasted for about thirty seconds before an oh-so-helpful Tsukishima let out a cough that sounded suspiciously similar to “Behind Kageyama.” Kageyama was sure to send Tsukishima a glare that could have withered all the plants in Miyagi before turning to face Tanaka. Hinata was one good tug away from ripping a hole in Kageyama’s shirt._

_“Oi! Dumbass! What did you do to piss off Tanaka so bad?” Kageyama whispered. The reply came quickly._

_“I said that I thought Nishinoya and Kiyoko would have cute kids. I didn’t say that Tanaka and Kiyoko wouldn’t or anything, but I guess maybe I…implied it?” Hinata breathed, so quiet that Kageyama had to strain to hear him._

_“Dear God, Hinata, haven’t you learned anything about Tanaka?” Kageyama shot back, the gap between an angry Tanaka and the odd pair rapidly closing._

_“Move. Let me at him.” Tanaka said, chest puffed up, and face contorted in a way that Kageyama assumed was meant to be scary._

_“I can’t let you hurt Hinata.” Kageyama replied, forcing his tone to come out monotonous and even._

_“And why is that, Kageyama? Don’t you know what great injustice has been committed today? I demand to be compensated for the wrongdoing!” Tanaka bounced around as he said it, making any visage of intimidation evaporate._

_“I can’t let you hurt him because I need—” Kageyama almost bit through his tongue “because we need him to win the Inter-Highs.” This seemed to soothe Tanaka._

_“Then I demand an apology.” Tanaka crossed his arms and upturned his nose. Kageyama reached a hand around his back to push Hinata out in front of him. Hinata clung to Kageyama’s shirt, even as he was dragged to the front, much to Kageyama’s outward dismay but inward delight._

_“S-sorry Tanaka, you and Kiyoko would have adorable children too.” Hinata said._

_“And!!” Tanaka demanded._

_“A-and they would totally have hair. They would not be bald.” Hinata finished. The entire team burst into laughter, barely keeping themselves upright. Tanaka, however, was not finished._

_“Who is the best senpai? Guardian of his precious kouhai?”_

_“You are Tanaka-senpai.” Hinata murmured. Tanaka’s face split into a grin as he ruffled Hinata’s hair._

_“Just as I thought!” Tanaka smiled before sauntering off to pester a different teammate. Kageyama’s eyes glossed over the scene of Tsukishima and Yamaguchi sharing a particular type of look that spelled trouble. He watched as Yamaguchi practically skipped to his bag, pulled out 100 yen and dropped it into the jar. Kageyama did not like what was going on here. Not one bit._

_The next day it was Nishinoya who dropped 100 yen into the jar. Kageyama had watched Tsukishima smirk as he did it. There had been no sign from Tsukishima for him to do it. As far as Kageyama was concerned, practice had been going as it usually had. He and Hinata had been practicing spikes, Kageyama was setting as he usually had. For a moment, Kageyama wondered if it was every time that Hinata missed a spike, they’d put money in the jar, but that wouldn’t really make sense. Hinata had hit every single spike today, and the time that Yamaguchi put money in the jar made even less sense with that theory. Instead, Kageyama turned back to Hinata, who was awaiting yet another toss._

_“Let’s try the new combo! I think we can get it! I’m feeling good today!” Hinata smiled as he said it, looking down at his raw palms._

_“Your spikes are as good as they always are, let’s try receiving.” Kageyama suggested, ignoring the way his heart snagged on his ribcage as Hinata’s face shifted to a quiet disappointment._ _“We can try the combo first though.” Kageyama amended. Feeling his muscles melt into relaxation as Hinata’s radiant smile once again shimmered on his face._

_Clink._

_Kageyama whirled to see Yamaguchi, Tsukishima, and Nishinoya deposit their obligatory 100 yen in the jar. Hinata didn’t seem to notice, or care, not with the prospect of hitting more spikes hanging in front of him. Kageyama set the ball, practicing setting it to the opposite side of the court where Hinata was charging to meet it. Kageyama watched in awe as Hinata’s hand connected with the ball, slamming it down into the other side of the court. Hinata turned to face Kageyama, pride glowing in his eyes._

_“Kageyama, we did it!” Hinata beamed, leaping toward Kageyama who barely had time to register what was going on before he caught the flying Hinata in his arms. Coach Ukai had dropped his coffee. When the duo had first told him what they were trying to do, he had to bite back a laugh, but seeing it actually happen was a different ball game. Inwardly, Ukai prayed that nothing would ever separate them. He was certain that there wasn’t a volleyball team in Japan that could have returned that spike. As long as they played on the same team, that team would be a winning one._

_Clink._

_This time Kageyama didn’t notice as the three boys once again threw 100 yen in the jar, he was busy burying his nose between Hinata’s neck and his shoulder._

_“Yeah, we did it, Hinata.”_

_The last straw for Kageyama was when Daichi had started putting money in the jar, which was now nearly overflowing. It had been almost a month of these shenanigans, and Kageyama was fairly certain that he knew what was going on._

_1) It was always something having to do with him and Hinata._

_2) It seemed to suspiciously coincide with the moments that Kageyama would lower his guard._

_3) Hinata had only noticed the jar even existed three days ago because he’s about as dense as they come._

_4) The more often he touched Hinata, or looked at Hinata, or gave into Hinata’s request, the more often that his teammates dutifully marched to the jar to deposit the 100 yen._

_Kageyama had decided that enough was enough. After a particularly grueling practice, and after watching both Daichi and Sugawara add to the jar, he knew that he had to do something about it. That is what possessed Kageyama to pull out a half sheet of paper, and finally admit to Tsukishima that yes, he was correct, and that the jar needed to never make another appearance in the Karasuno gym again._

**_Tsukishima,_ **

**_You are an absolute piece of shit bastard. Stop with the jar. Yes, it’s true. I know you know what I am talking about. If I see it again, I’ll break the jar and shove the pieces so far up your ass that you’ll be picking shards of glass out of your teeth for months._ **

_Kageyama folded the paper and handed it to Tsukishima. It was with no small amount of pleasure that Kageyama watched as Tsukishima’s eyes widened behind his glasses. That was that on that, or so Kageyama thought before he walked into the locker room to hear his teammates loudly bickering._

_“Since I was the last one to put money in the jar, I win, that’s the rule!” Daichi’s voice echoed off the tile. Kageyama barely dared to breathe._

_“It doesn’t count if Kageyama wrote it to me!” Tsukishima hissed back. Kageyama clenched his jaw. He was going to murder Tsukishima, right here, right now, in front of God and Jesus and Buddha._

_“Let’s just split it between us.” Sugawara suggested, voice barely reaching Kageyama._

_“That sounds fair enough.” Nishinoya agreed. There was a chorus of yeah’s and that sounds good’s before the sound of the jar being overturned. Kageyama listened as Tsukishima counted up the sizable amount of money and split it between the team. Kageyama took this as his cue to make an appearance._

_“Listen.” Kageyama started._

_“Oh! H-hey Kageyama, I didn’t hear you come in!” Yamaguchi stammered, keeping his gaze on the floor and conveniently not at the large pile of money._

_“Listen.” Kageyama started again, “I don’t care about your dumb little game. I don’t want you to split it with me. I don’t care what you spend it on. Just don’t tell Hinata.” Kageyama finished before turning and storming out of the locker room._

_“Oi! Hinata! Let’s practice that combo again!” Kageyama called, eyes meeting the fiery boy._

_“I thought you’d never ask!” Hinata replied, and Kageyama gave him a soft smile._

_Dumbass. Kageyama thought fondly._

* * *

Hinata spent the night curled up with the letter. He tried not to think about the way that his tears had soaked the paper, because the thought only made him cry more. Kageyama loved me. The thought played on repeat as he tried to sleep, but the endless stream of what-ifs wouldn’t allow him the small mercy of a night’s rest. Instead, Hinata made his way over to his desk, greeting the stack of letters, and gazed out the window.

There was a time, Hinata recalled, halfway through their second year that they had spent the evening in the team room. Hinata had begun to spend more and more time with Kageyama, both in school and out of school. They had even started to earnestly improve their grades together. After all, Hinata had reasoned, if they started playing international matches, it would be way more impressive if they could interview in English. He’d teased Kageyama about all the pretty American girls that would come out to support him, telling him that he could have a fanbase that could rival Oikawa. Kageyama had simply rolled his eyes, and leaned into Hinata’s side.

_“It doesn’t matter. I don’t need any more fans.” Kageyama had replied._

_“What do you mean any more fans, Bakageyama? You don’t have any to start with!” Hinata shot back, jostling the shoulder that Kageyama was resting his head on. Hinata tried not to shake as the warmth of Kageyama’s breath fluttered against the base of his neck._

_“That’s not true, I’ve got one! And I don’t need any others, they wouldn’t do half as good of a job anyway.” Kageyama said, his voice soft and varied. Hinata loved when Kageyama talked to him like this, like they were the only people in the whole world, not just the only people in the team room._

_“And who is this fan?” Hinata mused, moving his hand to card through Kageyama’s hair, delighting in the faint scent that was so very Kageyama that wove his way around him._

_“He’s the best. He always cheers for me, and even when I mess up, he’s never mad. He gives me a lot of credit, but never really gives himself enough, at least in my opinion.” Kageyama replied. Hinata tried not to give in to the jealousy that was starting to strangle him. Hinata wanted to demand who, exactly, this guy was, and why Kageyama liked him so much._

_“He sounds great.” Hinata had meant the words to come out easily, but he might as well have hissed them for how good of a job he had done at that. “Oh, he is, and he’s got this crazy orange hair, he’s pretty short, but he makes up for it.” Okay, now Hinata was really pissed. How had he never met this other short ginger who was always there for Kageyama, as far as he was concerned, he should be the only short, red-haired person that spent all his time around Kageyama._

_“Okay, who is this guy, and why have I never met him.” Hinata said, this time the jealousy was evident in his voice. Kageyama just let out a bright laugh._

_“He’s also a huge dumbass, so much of a dumbass, in fact, that he doesn’t realize I’m talking about him.”_

_“Oh.” Was all that Hinata could say to that._

_“You’re the only fan I need, Hinata. All the rest couldn’t begin to compare.”_

The memory was frosted over now, like viewing it through a dirty window pane, but it didn’t matter. Hinata had pledged that he’d always be Kageyama’s number one fan, and he had meant it. There was no one he’d rather cheer on. If the stadium was empty and they were losing 24-0 he’d still cheer for all of Kageyama’s serves, he’d hit ever spike, he’d yell “Don’t mind” after every mistake. He’d back Kageyama up, even if he was wrong. He’d proudly declare that he, too, believed that it was night, even if the sun blazed above them. Hinata knew that you didn’t come across someone like Kageyama every day. Perhaps there are some stars that burn so fiercely, and so brightly, that they are doomed to burn out, but Hinata didn’t believe that, and as much fun as it was to remember those quiet hours spent in the team room, it didn’t fix the fact that Kageyama wasn’t here.

Kageyama wasn’t here.

There wasn’t anything that could change that. No matter how many times Hinata found himself curled on the floor, teeth grating over his knuckles, and shaking with the sheer weight of the guilt that had settled on to him. No matter how many times Hinata yelled at a deaf god. No matter how many times Hinata traced the words I love you with his numb fingertips, it never changed. He didn’t turn around to see Kageyama. The lights didn’t come back on, the sun didn’t drag itself back into the sky. It was simple, really. There was a time that Hinata had had the earth, the sky, and the stars that decorate it. There was a time that Hinata had danced with the sweet rhythm of life drumming a beat in his ears. There was a time when the world didn’t look grey, there was a time that food tasted like something, and taking a shower was something he enjoyed, and not a menial task. It was simple, really.

There was a time that Hinata was happy, and then there was now.

There was a time that Hinata had Kageyama, and then there was now.


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are changed. You are whole. You are made.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello again! I love you all so much. I know you think I'm probably being facetious but this work has made me feel so supported and loved, and that's all due to you. I've printed all your comments and taped them to my bookshelf. Love always.

Hinata stared down at his hands. They disgusted him. He had not been strong enough to keep the world in them, and nothing would ever make up for that failure. _Nothing_. Hinata thought. What a strange concept. He had often tried to envision it before, but had failed. The concept of true nothing eluded him. Would it be inky and black? Or did that count as something, that blackness? Would he be around to think something into it? Or did that consciousness count as something, those thoughts? Hinata knew the answer now. He’d landed an Earth-sized amount of nothing into his life.

_This is what nothing feels like._

The anger had dried up days ago, or was it weeks, or was it months, years, perhaps. The anger wasn’t gone in the sense that it had been replaced by something else. It was just gone. Simply. Everything was.

_This is what nothing feels like._

Hinata stretched his aching back, but there was no satisfaction in the movement. There was just the push and pull of sinewy muscles and a spine that had recently fallen into a permanent state of disuse. Just as his shower had. Just as his washing machine had. Just as his shoes, and volleyball clothes, and forks, and spoons, and knives, and floor had. Hinata didn’t remember the last time he had climbed out of bed. The confession of love made corporeal still lay on his chest, the paper beginning to wrinkle and curl against the wetness of his tears. He hadn’t cried in days though. He hadn’t eaten either. When he moved, it was only to stare blankly out the window, and beyond the city. Hinata wondered if he held eye contact with the sky and the stars, would they align to form Kageyama’s eyes? Would be able to gaze into those crashing waves one last time? Deliver unto himself the promise of redemption. But he never met those lovely eyes, and redemption was as out of the question as his lover.

He wondered if Kageyama was the one who painted the sunrises that Hinata watched now. Sleeping didn’t come easy. Not even crying did the trick. Not even laying in that sullen darkness for hours. Not even when he had shouted and yelled and tipped over his desk. So, he had stopped trying. Hinata longed for that cold ember of sleep to lodge itself in his throat, but of course things were never so simple as that. He liked to think that it was Kageyama, dragging his fingertips through the sky, leaving whorls of oranges and the softest pink, he liked to think that if he could just reach a little bit higher that he could kiss those fingertips. To press that tawny skin to his mouth and breathe at last that clear morning air, to sigh against the chest of dawn and experience it at last. _Deliverance._

Hinata did not like to think that Kageyama painted the sunsets. Hinata did not like the sunsets. Every time the sun sank it invoked within him a saccharine sort of misery. _How beautiful, the death_. And, Hinata thought, _How dark, the night_.

Then, of course, there was that torn sheet of paper on the wall that tormented him, and no matter how deep the hurt went, he could not take it down. _Be reminded._ Hinata thought. _Be reminded of it every day, until your last_. For the award, to Hinata, was something of a vintage photograph. It could have been titled a great many things, but to him, there was only one title that he found fitting for that great work of the darkest kind of art.

_A Portrait of the World Slipping Through my Fingers (and the sound it made when it hit the ground)_

It was after looking at it for some time, that he was reminded of a moment. A still-life. A boy with flaming red hair, and A God with those crushing blue eyes, leaning against a park bench, sometime in late spring.

* * *

_“Do you think it’s sad when the cherry blossoms fall off the trees?” Hinata asked, a gentle pout working its way over his face._

_“What kind of question is that, dumbass?” Kageyama replied, twisting to face Hinata properly._

_“I don’t know, it’s just that they're so pretty, and then they just fall off the tree! I think it’s unfair.” Hinata said, feigning a great deal of indignation. When, in truth, he just liked the amused little smirk that danced on Kageyama’s lips at his reply._

_“You don’t think they’re pretty when they fall?” Kageyama answered, dragging his finger through a small pile of the petals. His answer gave Hinata pause. He had expected a roll of the eyes, a ruffle of the hair, perhaps, but not this._

_“I guess you’re right. They are pretty when they fall.”_

_“And besides, the sooner they fall, the sooner they come back, right?” Kageyama said. The wind stirred, and a snowstorm of petals descended on the boys. Hinata threw his head back, laughing as they tickled his nose, matching the pink that dusted his cheeks. Kageyama merely admired, looking while he had the chance. He wished he could frame the moment, the way that Hinata’s neck arched back in elation, the tiny spots of pink that caught in his hair, but that’s not how these things go, so he picked up a handful of petals, stuffed them in his pocked for safekeeping, and rested his head on his best friend's shoulder. He wished he could live in that feeling, but that’s not how these things go. Hinata’s hand worked its way to Kageyama’s cheek, stroking a single, lazy line across his cheekbone._

_Kageyama looked up to meet Hinata’s eyes, his lips, the gentle curve of his nose, and in that park, the boy with the flaming red hair and The God with the crushing blue eyes leaned just a hair’s breadth closer, and their lips met. And the petals fell, catching in their hair and timed seemed to slow for just a moment, as the colors of a thousand gilded mornings poured over them, the sanctimonious union of two souls, or should I say one? After all, two halves simply make a whole, and neither could be considered complete without the embrace of the other._

_And, just like that, there was a sweet sort of sacrifice shared between them. To break one is to break the other, and after knowing such completeness, to live again as a half is unthinkable, untenable, and unendurable. But in that park, sometime in late spring, there was no reason to believe that their souls could ever be cleaved apart again. There was only the doing, there was not a thought in either of their careless heads to think of the undoing. It could have been said that after knowing the sweet harmony of everything, that one may forget that everlasting echo of nothing. Once you have filled the void, you cannot remember that bottomless chasm of emptiness._

_You are changed. You are whole. You are made._

_There is no time to ponder the Unmade, it is unbelievable, what it can do to you._

* * *

Hinata steadied himself, the memory having torn a hole clean through him. There were only ragged edges of bone where once there had been something smooth and polished. He remembered too much, he felt. There were days that he walked endlessly through the labyrinth of his mind, and there were days where he wished he could forget it all. Every laugh, touch, taste, sound, and breath. He wished he could forget, he thought that, surely, it would free him. If he had never known Kageyama, he couldn’t have known the loss. But then, he wondered, if he had lived an existence void of Kageyama before, it could not possibly have been all that different from now. A misery so complete that it fools you into believing that you are whole.

Hinata debated getting out of bed, his stomach was twisting again, begging for something that Hinata did not want to give it. He wanted to keep thinking about the last half of his third year, he wanted to fit his own hands together and pretend that he was once again holding Kageyama’s, but his hands were too small. And Kageyama’s hands had left behind impossible shoes to fill. He wanted to remember the hushed words traded between them like secrets. He wanted to remember the dark team room, getting a moment alone, to once again wade in the rivers of Kageyama’s hips, to learn the path of his lips again, but it was so far gone. It had been only a few months, but it was as unreachable as the past, and as mysterious as the future. Who had that boy been? The one whose fingers traced the angles of Kageyama’s collarbones. Because it surely was not the boy who lay hungry in his bed, curled around a sheet of paper, wishing for the sound of a forgotten voice to fill his head. Mostly, he wanted to remember the sweet things, not those days leading up to graduation. Not those where his garden withered before him, not those where the careful peace had been shattered. Not those. Never those.

_“Hinata, if you tell me what you plan to do, I’ll follow you. I’d follow you to across the world. I’d follow you anywhere.” Kageyama said plainly, drawing constellations across Hinata’s ribs. Hinata’s skin warmed at the press of his fingertips._

_“That’s just it though, Kageyama. I don’t think you’d go to the place that is best for you, and I want you to have this choice. I want you to choose.” Hinata replied, curling into Kageyama’s side, pressing his nose firmly into his shoulder._

_“Wherever you are is the best place for me.” Kageyama’s gaze drifted to the ceiling. He prayed that Hinata had made the same teams as he had. He prayed and prayed and prayed, but still no list appeared in front of him, and Hinata refused to tell him, all the same. Hinata huffed a soft laugh._

_“Then what are you so worried about, Tobio? You’re the best of the best, and I’d never let you beat me, remember? The best. That’s what you are, that’s what I am, and that’s where we’ll end up. The top, just like you promised.”_

_“All the way to the top, Shouyou.”_

Hinata wished he could take it all back now. He had been so confident that they would always be together, always. Even from half a world away, he believed. Hinata thought that they shared something unlike any other, a little string that would cleave the world in two just to keep them together. Hinata still believed that, but now the string ran all the way up into the sky, and he wasn’t sure just how far up it went. Instead, he had unknowingly slotted in the first piece of the puzzle. The complete picture was so ghastly that he didn’t think he could imagine it. Except he could. It was taped on the wall, it was soaked in tears, it was newspaper clippings, and a yellow backpack. He could see it crystal clear now. He should have just told him. He should have allowed Kageyama to follow him, he should have known that pride always comes before the fall, and in that moment, Hinata had never been prouder of Kageyama. He had never been prouder of himself.

And how trite it all seemed now.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If only… it whispered If only…

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU SO MUCH you guys have literally no idea how much your comments and love impact me. I love you all. A family member of mine passed this week, and this project has given me so much of an escape. I adore you. Thank you thank you thank you

Hinata hadn’t exactly considered himself to be a morning person. Before…everything, he’d just had to be awake to go to practice, but now, he’d found himself gazing off into the sunrise on every possible occasion, flipping his sleep schedule on its head. It was on another of these grey dawn days that he had found himself flipping through Kageyama’s letters. He hadn’t read one since the fifth. He wasn’t sure that he needed to. Kageyama had loved him, that was all he needed to know. The only problem with that, was that there were fifteen letters. He’d barely finished on third of them, and that felt unfair both to himself and to their lovely author. So, there he was, the first dregs of morning creeping over the horizon, turning once again to the sheets of paper with life bleeding out on the pages, to read what Kageyama had wanted him to know.

Six.

_Dear Hinata,_

_I haven’t written you in a while. I guess after everything I said in the last one, it felt sort of unnecessary. But so much has been going on between getting ready for finals and practicing that I felt like I needed to talk to someone, and since I couldn’t really explain everything to you in words, I figured that I’d do it here. First off, I can’t believe that we’re about to be third years! I still remember when we walked into the gym on the first day, and you declared me your rival, and then you knocked off the vice principal’s toupee! I wonder if you’d laugh at us now. I wonder if you anticipated becoming my best friend, or if you really were set on destroying me. I guess I’ll never know. I want you to know that I’m so grateful for everything that we have made. I never want you to lose that spirit of yours. It’s so contagious that even when I’m having an off-day it makes me smile. So many things about you make me smile._

Hinata paused, gaze drifting over the last few lines. He wondered if Kageyama would smile if he could see him now, hair matted down, perpetually crying or thinking about crying, having only seen the inside of his room for weeks now. He wondered if Kageyama was beside him, silently screaming for him to get up, to do anything except lay there for the umpteenth day in a row.

_Sometimes, I wish I could find ways to get closer to you, but then it freaks me out, and I end up pushing you away, but you always seem to come back. No matter what it is, I can expect you to be there, right by my side, so please don’t give up on me. I might have a strange way of showing it, but that’s right where I want you to be. So stay there. Don’t go anywhere, okay? Anyway, practice is starting soon, and if I don’t get over there to race you, you’ll count it as a win, and I can’t have that._

Kageyama

Hinata’s heart stalled, the calm before the storm. The memories came flooding back, but not from the end of second year, these came from the ending of their third, when everything that had been good and pure and sweet had turned to ash. Hinata thought back to the flames that had charred his life, but before the flames, there had been the spark.

* * *

_Kageyama locked the club room door behind him, effectively trapping Hinata inside. He figured this would happen sooner or later, though he would have preferred if it had been later._

_“Hinata, please just tell me what’s wrong.” Hinata’s heart murmured in his chest, trying to compose a convincing enough lie. He should have known better, he was a shitty liar, and an even shittier liar when it came to Kageyama._

_“I already told you four million times, Bakageyama, there’s nothing wrong.” Hinata placed his hand on Kageyama’s waist, bringing himself closer to the perfection that stood before him. He wondered if he had spent more time with Kageyama, if the six weeks had been six years instead, would it be different? Would a dash of Kageyama’s perfection have rubbed off on him? Would he have gotten a little taller? A little faster? A little better at receiving?_

_“And I’ve already told you four million times that you’re the worst liar to grace the planet, and I know you better than I know myself. I know there’s something wrong, and if you told me, maybe I could help.” Kageyama cupped a hand over the swell of Hinata’s cheek, trying to absorb whatever it was that troubled his darling thunderstorm._

_Hinata chewed the inside of his cheek. Truth or lie. Truth or lie. Truth or lie. He remembered the way that Kageyama had promised to follow him anywhere, he remembered telling Kageyama that there was nothing to worry about, that they would make the same teams, that Hinata would match his pace no matter what, but he hadn’t. He’d failed. He’d remembered the look on the scout’s face as he passed over the team. Hinata had played his best that day, and he remembered the way the pencil looked as it scratched one name onto the list of hopefuls, and he remembered counting the strokes. He’d traced that name enough times to know it when he saw it._

_If he told the truth, would Kageyama keep his word? Would he follow him, even though he hadn’t made the team? Would he keep himself at second place just to accommodate Hinata’s own failure? It was too much of a risk. Kageyama deserved to be on the best team, he deserved to be with the best, and just because Hinata couldn’t claim a spot on that team, doesn’t mean he shouldn’t go._

_The prospect of lying to Kageyama solidified in his stomach. It was wrong. He knew Kageyama valued honesty, probably above all else, except maybe loyalty. Would Kageyama understand, if he tried to explain it?_

_Two images flashed in front of Hinata, one where Kageyama smiled and touched his hand, and told him that everything would be alright, and one where Kageyama’s eyes turned stony, faced with choosing himself or Hinata. The risk was too great that the latter would happen. If Kageyama cared about one thing, it was volleyball, and Hinata didn’t want to watch as he made the decision in real-time, because he was almost certain that he would be forced to watch himself lose that battle. It was better for Hinata to make the decision himself, he’d quietly admit to it one day, and Kageyama wouldn’t have to choose. Hinata would put himself last every day for the rest of his life if it gave Kageyama one more second to show the world what it meant to be extraordinary. Kageyama shifted, stroking his thumb across Hinata’s browbone, attempting to smooth out the worry lines._

_“What’s the matter?” he asked again, his voice was soft, but his eyes held a tempered concern. Hinata knew that this was probably his last chance to stave off something more harmful, Kageyama had the tendency to wield his anger like a double-edged sword. The perpetual Catch 22 that lived within him. Hinata had been around long enough to know that Kageyama’s anger always cut Kageyama deeper than it cut himself. He took a single deep breath in._

_“I’ve been keeping something from you.” Hinata began, buying himself just a fraction of time to make his final decision. Truth or lie. Truth or lie. Truth or lie. He watched the lines of Kageyama’s face tighten and blur, his lips pressing together before pillowing back out._

_“What is it, Hinata?” His voice was soft again, but the concern that had previously lived in his eyes had taken up residence in his tone. “I-I didn’t want to tell you, because I wasn’t sure how,” Kageyama’s hands tightened around Hinata’s cheek, but immediately released, swiping a thumb across the bone that lay just under the surface, in reassurance._

_“It’s okay, you can tell me.” Kageyama replied, but he watched the sadness pull over his features. Kageyama might have been a dumbass, but he wasn’t stupid. Hinata was sure that a thousand lonely possibilities had crossed his mind. Truth or lie. Truth or lie. Truth or lie. The sadness continued seeping, sallowing Kageyama’s cheeks, sinking his eyes into their sockets, dragging the corners of his mouth down, down, down._

_Lie._

_“I wanted to surprise you, but I couldn’t keep it from you anymore, I guess I’m just too excited.” Hinata’s lips puckered as he spoke, trying to keep the lie from dripping off his tongue, coating his esophagus like wax, choking him off from everything good and lovely in the world. Kageyama’s eyes widened in anticipation, swelling with something that Hinata couldn’t quite place._

_“I know that we weren’t going to tell each other where we planned to go after graduation, until after we committed, but I don’t think I can wait until then.” Hinata chanced to meet Kageyama’s eyes again, wondering what he’d see there. Kageyama’s mouth twitched into the tiniest smile, flickering for a moment before schooling back into neutrality. A breathy sound escaped him, his lips forming a soft 'o'_

_“Please tell me,” Kageyama’s eyes searched Hinata’s, unbridled mirth spilling from them, a thousand gilded handfuls shining in their irises. Kageyama’s hands rested on Hinata’s waist. Hinata wanted to revel in the touch, soak it up and coarse it through his veins, but, in that moment, Kageyama’s hands had never felt more like a vice. Hinata’s hands hung at his sides, weighed down by what he was about to do._

_“I’m going to commit to Schweiden.” Hinata spat the words out onto the linoleum, watched them bounce around before settling in Kageyama’s ears. Then came the detonation._

_He watched Kageyama’s face crack into a grin, the peaks of his teeth snapping together in the most beautiful display of ignorance. His eyes crinkled at the corners, and his hands looped themselves behind Hinata, pulling him into an embrace. It was the least Hinata could do to have his own bury themselves between Kageyama’s shoulder blades. Clutching the fabric like it might pull his brain back into his head. Like it might pluck the lie out of Kageyama’s brain. Like it might put Hinata’s name on the roster._

_“Hinata,” Kageyama could hardly speak around his smile. Hinata felt sick. “Hinata,” the joyful sound came again. Kageyama said it like a prayer, but it went up to all the wrong gods, all the dark and deceiving ones, all of those which did not deserve to hear Kageyama’s voice. “Hinata, I was so worried that it would be too late. That by the time we had committed, I would lose you. How did you know? How did you know?” The words rushed through him like a torrent, cleaning out all of the debris from his insides, and sputtering back out of his mouth, muddy and tepid._

_“Because you’re the best, and you deserve the best, and I’m the best, too. I told you there was nothing to worry about. It’s okay, you can go ahead and admit that I’m always right.” He shrouded himself in manufactured confidence, tossing a defiant look up at Kageyama for good measure._

_“God, I can’t believe it. We’re really going to get there; we’re going to go all the way to the top!” Kageyama buried his face in Hinata’s hair, and Hinata could feel the smile through his scalp._

_“All the way to the top, Kageyama.” It was the least he could do, Hinata thought, to keep up with the lie. To keep the brilliant smile on Kageyama’s face, just a little longer. Hinata didn’t care. He’d ruin himself over and over and over. He’d rake his name through the mud. He’d set the world on fire, just to keep Kageyama warm. It was the least he could do, the least he could do, the least he could do._

* * *

It burned, that memory. It sparked and caught and blazed. It blistered his skull, and cracked his teeth from the heat. It seared itself into every part of his body. It left heat rash on his wrists, leather on his tongue, and regret in the hollow of his throat. It seemed trivial at the time, a way to ward off the unnecessary evil that the truth would herald in. It seemed trivial now in a different way, in the way that driving a blade through someone’s heart may kill them. The truth mocked him now. It sat on his shoulder and nibbled at his earlobe.

 _If only…_ it whispered _If only…_

Hinata looked out over his street, the sun had reared its glorious head over the skyline, and Hinata looked for Kageyama between the clouds.

“I’m sorry,” Hinata whispered to the lilac sky, “I’m so sorry.”

But the clouds didn’t part, there were no London blue eyes there to reassure them. There was just a flat panel of morning sun lying on the desk. Hinata heard his tears pat against the floor before he felt them welling up. He wanted to scream. There had been a time when crying was satisfactory, a release even, but now it just robbed him of the few emotions he felt, dripping down his cheeks and evaporating before they even hit the ground. He longed for that same smile that Kageyama had offered him that day, the one that split the entire world into equal halves, but there was just the sound of the air conditioning and teardrops. Hinata mashed a single graham cracker between his teeth, his throat protested the roughness, but he swallowed nonetheless. It was the least he could do.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was Kageyama, and it was all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK YOU ALL SO MUCH! My heart cracks in two every time you guys do literally anything. You all are just so perfect and I adore you

_Hinata’s skin pricked under Kageyama’s gaze, stretching to get just a little closer to him. Not that Hinata could blame it. Next to Kageyama was the single most lovely place on the planet. There was nothing under that bright star but perfection, every slip and curve divinely crafted and heaven sent. Kageyama dragged a single finger down the bridge of Hinata’s nose. Hinata watched Kageyama’s mouth open and shut, and his skin shift to an alarming shade of red. Hinata puffed a laugh through his nose, pushing his forehead against Kageyama’s._

_“Whatcha thinkin’ about Kageyama?” Hinata drawled, fluttering his eyes to meet Kageyama’s. Kageyama just blinked twice, still that same shade of pomegranate. In response, Hinata pursed his lips to press a single shimmering kiss to the tip of Kageyama’s nose. The latter cleared his throat, rallying behind words that seemed just out of reach._

_Gossamer blankets of sunlight hung from the sole window in the team room. Being a third year had its perks, and one of them was certainly the key. The dusty little room had evolved into their little Garden of Eden, ripe with their touch, sunny with their smiles, and sweet with their sound. Sometimes it was quiet, a little hitch here, the faintest gasp there, but sometimes it roared with life. The sound of volleyballs bouncing off the walls, pencils on paper, two sets of feet racing around the table, the shout of hair fisted between finger, the protest in an arched back, the sigh of skin on skin on skin on skin. It was a rosy sort of quiet now, just the sound of two chests rising and falling, knees bumbling into each other, blood rushing to the surface of cheeks, the push and pull and push and pull of that spring._

_“I’m thinking about you, boke.” Kageyama murmured, wrinkling his nose to pull at Hinata’s. Hinata raised his eyebrows, pushing Kageyama’s forehead ever so slightly higher. It was times like this that nearly pulled the confession out of Hinata, pushing him right off the edge, to lean back into the emptiness and fall. To fall and fall and fall and land firmly where Kageyama’s own confession would wait, to ignite on impact and soak the night sky so thoroughly in them that there would still be streaks of them left as dawn broke._

_“What about me?” Hinata implored, tapping a finger thoughtfully on Kageyama’s lips. Kageyama’s teeth flashed out to catch it, running tongue against tip, memorizing the ridges that were so distinctly Hinata. Hinata’s breath stuttered to a halt, focused on the tiny wet point of contact that lit a fire somewhere in the back of his mind, filling his vision with the haze, and warming him to the core. Kageyama’s tongue surrendered, retreating to fulfill its duty. Kageyama’s hands found Hinata’s waist._

_“I was thinking about a world where we aren’t together.” Kageyama said, lips forming a hard line, but his fingers stroked along Hinata’s sides, so at war with the words coming from his mouth._

_“Why were you thinking about that?” The fire that had warmed him moments ago had been stomped out, ushering in the wind that now howled through his chest, echoing off his rib cage and screaming its story behind his sternum._

_“I was thinking about if it were possible. For us to be separated. I don’t think that it is. I’d just be wherever you are, no matter what. I don’t think anything could keep me away.” Kageyama finished, pulling Hinata against his chest to rest his chin in the sea of ginger hair that tickled at his nose._

_“That’s awfully sappy Kageyama.” Hinata teased, stretching his neck to knock the top of his head into Kageyama’s chin. “But I’m glad. I don’t think anything could keep me away from you either. You’re it for me. I think you’ve been it for me since you kicked my ass at my first volleyball game, maybe before that. It’s you. You’re it.” Hinata replied. He did think that it was crazy. That everything he’d ever done. Every action, word, thought, phrase, had all boiled down to just one thing. His life had been both destroyed and created all at once. Because all of it, all eighteen years, all the stories, all the good, bad, and lovely just ended up meaning one thing. At the end of the day it was Kageyama._

_It was Kageyama, and it was all._

_“I don’t think I could do it without you.” Kageyama just barely whispered it. Hinata may have dismissed it as imaginary had he not felt the words breeze against his scalp._

_“Do what, Kageyama?” Hinata asked, tilting his face to meet Kageyama’s eyes. Kageyama smiled, pressing a single chaste kiss to Hinata’s forehead before answering._

_“Any of it.”_

* * *

Hinata had expected a great deal of things to happen that day.He had expected to wake up, eat a graham cracker, cry, watch the street, try to bargain with God for Kageyama’s life, and to fall into a fitful sleep. What he had not expected was Oikawa fucking Tooru at his door, in his kitchen, up his stairs, talking to his mother, and, most of all, standing over him in his bedroom.

“Good morning, Chibi-chan!” Oikawa said by way of greeting, waving his hand a little as he said it. Hinata met Oikawa’s eyes. He racked his brain for some kind of explanation. Had Kageyama left Oikawa something? Something for Hinata? Was Iwaizumi dead, and Oikawa had decided to bond with him? Hinata wanted to laugh at that last thought, but he figured that that would have been inappropriate on so many different levels. Besides, it still didn’t explain what Oikawa was doing in his bedroom.

“Do you…need something, Oikawa?” Hinata asked. He hadn’t mean to sound rude, but Hinata’s patience had worn thin lately, not that there had ever been an abundance of patience for Oikawa to begin with.

“Yes. Iwa-chan is out of town visiting family, and he left me here, all by myself, and now I don’t have anyone to practice with before I go back to Argentina, so you’re going to practice with me.” Oikawa declared, running a finger across Hinata’s desk and grimacing when his finger came back coated in dust.

“I won’t.” Hinata said, glaring back up him. Hinata knew what was going on. It was incredibly obvious.

“Oh, but you will.” Oikawa said, leaning down to grip Hinata’s arm before unceremoniously removing him from his bed. Hinata did not like the feeling that accompanied being pitied by Oikawa Tooru of all people. Hinata made eye contact with himself in the mirror, the haunted reflection no longer surprised him. He figured that someone had sent Oikawa, assuming that the rivalry they’d shared would rile him up enough to leave his room. Hinata’s mind tied knots over the fact that it was never Hinata’s rivalry to have. It was Kageyama that Oikawa had fixated on. Hinata was just his partner, a rival-by-proxy. Hinata turned his blank stare to Oikawa.

“I’m not going out Oikawa. You tried. You can go.” Hinata had expected a lot of responses to that. He’d expected Oikawa’s shoulders to sag in relief, glad to be relieved of the task. He’d expected Oikawa to leave. He’d expected pretty much anything except the back of Oikawa’s hand across his cheek. It would have pissed him off at one time, Hinata supposed, but now he just closed his eyes into the pain, high on the way that the action sent him reeling, and when his head smacked against the wall, a ghost of a smile played on Hinata’s lips.

“Get out of your house. I don’t care how you do it. I don’t care if I carry you. I don’t care if you throw yourself off the roof. Get out of your goddamn house, Hinata. If you don’t respect yourself enough to do it, respect him enough.” Hinata’s eyes widened. Tears began to pool in Oikawa’s eyes, and Hinata realized that Oikawa wasn’t talking to him anymore. Not really. “No one’s ever going to be that good. No one’s ever going to come close. What am I supposed to do now? Wait for someone as good as Tobio? It’s not going to happen.” Oikawa yelled as he ranted, and Hinata wanted nothing more than to fold himself into the sound waves, drift along them until they carried him somewhere where Oikawa Tooru was not screaming in his bedroom. It was sometime later that Hinata registered the silence that had once again filled the room, marred only by Oikawa as he choked down lungful upon lungful of air down only to heave it back up again.

“Why did you come here?” Hinata asked plainly, making a silent promise to knock Kageyama’s lights out in the afterlife for causing this scene.

“If he was going to be anywhere, he was going to be fucking here.” Oikawa said, raising his voice so that it smacked into the walls and ricocheted back at them.

Hinata didn’t know when Oikawa had left, only that he had.

It was later that night that Hinata considered Oikawa’s words.

_If he was going to be anywhere, he was going to be fucking here._

In some ways, Hinata guessed, it was where most of Kageyama was. Bits and pieces of stitched together soul lay in boxes, scattered on the wall, in yellow backpacks, in stacks on his desk. Shards of a boy so lovely that even the fragments fooled you into believing that they were complete on their own. But Hinata had seen the complete picture. It had been carved into the inside of his ribs, and, even still, just the memory of it was breathtaking.

_Respect him._

On the one hand, Hinata was inclined to ignore everything Oikawa had said. After all, showing up at Hinata’s house a month after the funeral was definitely grounds to be ignored, but there was a certain smoothness to the words that Oikawa had said. The words had clearly been tumbling around in his head for weeks, flattening out against his skull, polishing on the grit of his spinal cord. And as with most polished thoughts, there was a rare and terrifying truth to them. A truth so fundamental that even time could not twist, could not distort.

Hinata grabbed the stack of letters, slipped on his shoes, and left his house.

The headstone was tall, possessing a certain amount of pride for the name that had been engraved. Kageyama’s body didn’t lie beneath the earth that the pillar sprouted from, but it was holy all the same. Hinata pressed his forehead to the stone, drenching himself in the memories that stood behind the name. Hinata wondered if he should have seen it coming, from miles off. He wondered if he could have reached out and stroked his finger along the spine of the tragedy as it stalked toward Kageyama. There were memories that Hinata wished had died with Kageyama. But those, Hinata knew, were the memories that would outlive them both.

_Hinata had never seen Kageyama cry about anything except volleyball, and even then, Hinata knew that was a very different type of emotion than what he was seeing right now._

_“Kageyama, please let me in.” Hinata said against the door of the team room. Kageyama had been acting strange all through practice, but he’d snapped three first-years, and tried snapping at Tsukishima before Ukai had benched him for the rest of practice. The second practice had ended, Kageyama had locked himself in the team room. Hinata could hear Kageyama’s pacing._

_Tap. Tap. Tap. Turn. Tap. Tap. Tap. Turn. Hinata knocked again._

_“Kageyama, if you don’t let me in, I’ll fail my finals on purpose and we’ll have to stay here another year.” Hinata heard Kageyama’s footsteps slow to a stop before the bolt slid from the lock._

_“You’re going to fail your finals anyway.” Kageyama muttered before pulling the door open. Hinata focused intensely on keeping his jaw from dropping. Kageyama’s eyes were swollen, leaking where they couldn’t hold any longer, his cheeks were splotchy and streaked, little rivers running to pool at the tip of Kageyama’s chin. Hinata buried his hands in the back of Kageyama’s shirt, pulling him flush to his chest. There was silence for a while, save for the intermittent drip of tears, and the pounding of Hinata’s heart as he tried to hold together the galaxy._

_“Hinata, am I good enough?” Kageyama breathed, swiping his sleeve across his face._

_“For what?” Hinata asked. “If you’re asking about volleyball, you’re pretty much the best the world has ever seen, Kageyama.” Kageyama moved his hands to card through Hinata’s hair still damp from practice._

_“It’s you that I want to be good enough for.” Kageyama admitted, Hinata’s teeth worried over his lip as he felt Kageyama’s heart speed up._

_“You’re more than enough for me, Kageyama.” Hinata answered, running his thumbs in circles over Kageyama’s back._

_“You think so, honestly? What if I hurt you? I get angry, I get frustrated—”_

_“You’re perfect. You’re human, but you’re perfect.”_

Hinata leaned against the headstone.

“You hurt me, Kageyama.” Hinata said. A breeze flitted through the cemetery, dodging the tombs as it made its way westward.

“And I forgive you.”


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The rest of his life. The rest of their life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Once again, thank you for all of your support!! I don't know what I'd do without you guys. The most lovely readers I swear! As always I love your comments, and the ones on last chapter (and every chapter) warmed my heart and now live on my wall. From the bottom of my heart thank you.

Hinata sat with his back against the smooth stone for hours. Every now and then he’d pick up the slowly thinning stack of unread letters, only to press a kiss to their surface and return them to his lap. There were things, Hinata thought, that perhaps were better left to the unknown. There were things, perhaps, that would do more harm than good. There were things, assuredly, that held the power to grip Hinata’s feet and drag him exactly six feet below where he sat now. There were things, without a doubt, that could burn through Hinata, and scatter him into the air, a thousand gleaming embers of what he once was.

Sometimes, Hinata entertained the thought. Maybe some would drift to Brazil, where he should be. Where he would have been, had his life not splattered across a thousand bloody surfaces. Maybe some would make it to places Hinata had never seen. There could be pieces of Hinata atop Mount Fuji, winding through the Sahara Desert, gazing at the moon from the Redwood Forest, but most of all, there could be pieces that followed that little red string into the sky. There would be pieces that found the stardust of Kageyama, and there would be light again.

_Kageyama peered down the bridge of his nose to watch Hinata’s chest rise and fall where it lay pressed against his own. He huffed a laugh into Hinata’s hair before returning his head to the grass. His thoughts drifted, meandering through all the infinite futures that there may be for them. He knew it all began with Schweiden, but he didn’t know where it went from there. Kageyama knew Hinata wanted to go to the Olympics, and Kageyama was more than happy to oblige. After all, there’s not a chance in hell that Kageyama would sit around and listen to Hinata brag about how he made it to the Olympics and Kageyama was too slow or tall or fat or whatever to make it there too for the rest of his life._

_The rest of his life. The rest of their life. Kageyama thought._

_The realization came on slowly, but at long last it had settled somewhere between his collar bones. Kageyama was lucky enough to get to spend the rest of his life with Hinata. He’d live a thousand glowing summers basking in the light that Hinata offered. He’d get to stare into ochre eyes, run his hands through scarlet hair, and touch the skin on skin on skin that stretched thousands of miles over Hinata’s ribs. Kageyama felt the smile before he felt Hinata’s eyes on him. Kageyama placed his hand over it to muffle the brightness. His cheeks ached, and he looked for all the world like he just might cry at the bliss of it all, but Hinata cut in before any little rivers made their voyage down his cheeks._

_“Kageyama.” Hinata said. Kageyama met his eyes, squeezing Hinata’s shoulder for emphasis. “Kage…yama!” Hinata said again. Kageyama narrowed his eyes at the way he had drawn out the first syllable and rushed the second. However, he remained contented in silence, maintaining the eye contact that signaled his undivided attention. “Kageyama!” This time Hinata whined his name, resting his chin against Kageyama’s sternum. Kageyama threw his head back as a laugh bubbled from his lips._

_“God, what, Hinata?” Kageyama replied, fixing Hinata with a look that was equal parts playful and mischievous._

_“Nothing, just like saying your name,” Hinata smiled. Kageyama pushed Hinata’s face away, placing a single finger on his nose. “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.” Kageyama declared. Hinata just narrowed his eyes, challenge clearly accepted._

_“Kageyama, Kageyama, Kageyama, Kageyama, Kageyama,” Hinata started, cut off by Kageyama’s own competitive spirit._

_“Hinata, Hinata, Hinata, Hinata, Hinata,” Kageyama countered. And so they continued for about three minutes before Kageyama gripped Hinata’s chin, squeezing his cheeks ever so slightly, color blossoming over them. Hinata’s eyes swam with questions of Kageyama’s intention before Kageyama leaned in, whispered_

_Shouyou_

_Against his lips, and kissed him._

_The rest of his life, Kageyama thought._

More than anything, the guilt consumed him. For a moment, he had lulled himself into believing that the strong stone pillar was Kageyama’s chest, the wind his words, and the grass his spirit. He had lulled himself into believing that Kageyama was right there, only to be reminded that Kageyama was nowhere at all. Certainly not with Hinata. Certainly not at home. Certainly not alive. Hinata thought that over time the shock would dwindle, that it would become known. Though, Hinata amended, he guessed it was difficult to accept something as fact if he couldn’t accept it as anything at all. Hinata was obsessed with the pieces of Kageyama that lay in his lap. It seemed that the longer they went unread, the longer Kageyama could remain suspended precariously between alive and dead. If the last of Kageyama had not yet been discovered, then surely, he couldn’t be veritably dead. Besides, Hinata thought, death wasn’t for the exceptional. Death was for old men who needed diapers and had lived their whole lives, who had known love and hate and hardship and ease. Death wasn’t for the stars that hadn’t yet burned out. Death wasn’t for the dark-haired majesty that Hinata had been so lucky to share four years with. It was simple in more ways than not. Death wasn’t for Kageyama.

Seven.

_Hinata,_

_Today, you ran your hands through my hair. You ran your hands through my hair, and I think my heart stopped. I think the world stopped. I think that I was completely unaware of everything except your hands in my hair and that moment. I thought that maybe I could get over this. I thought that I could get over you, because I was tired of the not knowing, of the being in love with you and the not knowing. But then you ran your hands through my hair, and I knew that everything that I had tried to undo is irreversibly done. I can’t undo it. I will never be able to undo it. For me, there is you, and you are it for me. I won’t be upset if I can’t be it for you, but I think I’ll live my entire life wishing that I was._

_I always wondered why I hated Atsumu so much. It wasn’t even like I saw you two together all that often. But every time I knew that that’s where you were, I think I became even more unpleasant on those days (if you even can believe that’s possible). Then he hurt you. And I wanted to hunt him down and make sure he knew what he had lost, and make him understand just how sorry he was about to be. And, for a while, I just chalked it up to you being my best friend. I thought I was just standing up for my best friend, but I was jealous. I’m still jealous that he got to hold your hand. I’m jealous that he didn’t have to put up any walls around you. I’m jealous that you weren’t off limits to him, the way that you are to me. I’ll be jealous of him forever, I think. And I’ll love you quietly for twice as long. But Hinata, if you ever find a moment of silence in that noisy brain of yours to hear me, please listen. Please listen._

_Kageyama_

Hinata’s hands fought hard not to crumple the letter as his whole body contracted. His teeth met at the battleground in his mouth, his knees hiked up to press against his chest. Hinata thought he had been listening. He thought he had read into every look every touch every press of skin on skin for any sign of trouble. Hinata knew that the letter had been written before that one day in spring in the park. He knew that he and Kageyama had eventually made that monumental leap together. But the letter meant something else now. Most of them did. When taken into to context with the stone that he leaned on, it meant something different entirely.

The bottom line was that Kageyama had needed him. He’d needed the honesty, the comfort, the presence. Kageyama had screamed and shouted and raged for Hinata to hear him, but at the end of the day his thoughts had been too loud. He couldn’t hear him. He’d never heard him. And now he’d never hear him again. Hinata wished he could take it back. He wished he could go back to their first year and fall in love with him that first day they met. He wished he could go back and tell him he looked beautiful before that party their second year. He wished he could tell him that he admired his persistence every time they studied together. He wished he could have told the whole world how proud he was of Kageyama every day instead of just once. But more than that, more than the earth and stars and sun, he wished he could run his hands through Kageyama’s hair.

It was then that Hinata plunged his fingers into the grass that mocked the dead things that existed in the meadow, and he ran his fingers through it again and again. Perhaps this would do for now. There wasn’t much that Hinata could think of after that. When Kageyama had been crying out for help, Hinata hadn’t been listening, he’d shut out Kageyama completely, assuming that Kageyama banged on his door out of anger, and not out of desperation. How wrong he was. How much it had cost.

_“I got you a present!” Hinata had never seen Kageyama full of so much energy. He also had never thought that Kageyama would be the type of person to give him spontaneous gifts, but Kageyama never was one to live politely between Hinata’s expectations. Hinata quirked his brow, still suspicious of the gift._

_“What is it?” Hinata asked, reached to snatch the sack from Kageyama’s hands. Kageyama just held it high above his head, well out of Hinata’s reach. “Rude!” Hinata huffed before settling his arms across his chest._

_“Take your shirt off.” Kageyama instructed. Hinata’s pupils exploded, leaking inky black across his irises. Kageyama laughed. “Just do it, don’t worry I’m not the pervy one out of the two of us.” Kageyama added, Hinata fixed him with what would have been a withering glare, had his face not been a pinched pink. Hinata, obliged, gingerly tossing his shirt toward Kageyama. “Close your eyes, and stick your hands in the air.” Kageyama continued._

_“Is this some weird perv thing?” Hinata demanded_

_“Do you have any reason to believe this is some weird perv thing?” Kageyama countered. Hinata felt like he had every reason in the world to believe this was some weird perv thing, but followed instructions nonetheless. He heard the whisper of cotton on skin as Kageyama slid a new shirt over his arms and his head. He felt it pool around his waist and slip a little over his shoulders. Whatever it was, it was too big, Hinata realized with no small amount of embarrassment._

_“Open!” Kageyama said, and Hinata’s eyes eagerly obeyed. He was greeted by a long-sleeve black crewneck. Too big, as predicted, but what he hadn’t been able to predict was the stark Schweiden Adlers logo across the chest. Kageyama’s shirt matched it exactly, though his was quite a bit tighter. Hinata forced a smile onto his face as his stomach began tying itself in knots. He beamed up at Kageyama._

_“Okay, now the best part, look at your back in the mirror.” Hinata turned, and there it was. In neat white lettering, Kageyama’s name was printed across Hinata’s shoulders. Hinata dragged his eyes to meet the back of Kageyama’s shirt, where Hinata’s name had settled proudly. He sucked in a small breath. How cruel, Hinata thought. This was everything he’d ever wanted, and yet, he didn’t have the right to enjoy any of it._

_“Thank you Kageyama, I—” A tear dripped down Hinata’s nose, as a sniffle forced its way through his sinuses. Kageyama’s arms were there in an instant._

_“I’m glad you like it, but you don’t have to cry about it, dumbass.” Hinata wished that those words were true._


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To be his, completely. To be his, entirely. To be his, simply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi sorry I'm late ! Finals have wrapped up as well as an absolute whirlwind of a month but here I am again, also I would like to apologize in advance for Chapter Eighteen. Don't hate it, hate me instead. Additionally (obviously, probably) this entire chapter takes place in the past tense, but I didn't want to italicize the entire thing, so I didn't.

Tonight, is the night. Kageyama looked at himself in the mirror for what must have been the hundredth time in the past hour. He didn’t know why now, of all times, his inner Oikawa had chosen to rear it’s ugly (but stylish) head. If he had to make an educated guess, however, he would have guessed it had something to do with the little pile of paper in his hand.

The night of the banquet had arrived, and Kageyama was practically vibrating with the energy. However, it didn’t have a single thing to do with the silly awards and the shitty buffet, but it did have everything to do with the fact that his little letter collection would finally rest in the hands of its muse. He’d gone back and forth on it for weeks. To give Hinata his embarrassing anthology, or to keep it safe, nestled between his headboard and his mattress. On one hand, he was almost certain that he didn’t have a single thing to fear, he could tell Hinata he loved him, and Hinata would say it back, and they would go on to take the volleyball world by storm, together, as they had always planned. On the other hand, he wasn’t sure if it would be too much all at once for the red-headed wonder. That is, tonight is the night where Kageyama would ask Hinata to stay, forever if he would. To be his, completely. To be his, entirely. To be his, simply.

 _Shouyou._ His mind echoed against his skull. The warm amber eyes, and the smooth skin that stretched on for a millennium, always working its way closer to Kageyama, always smiling and pooling adoration around his ankles.

_Shouyou, Shouyou, Shouyou._

Tonight, is the night. Hinata gritted his teeth and picked his best shoes from the shelf in his closet. Hinata knew that this day would have come sooner or later, but he would have preferred later. It was that very train of thought that had allowed Hinata to bury himself in a terrible mound of shit and waste away there until tonight. Hinata worried the fragile skin of his thumb under his nail. The lies had collected there, itching to be let free in the torrent of truth that was to come in just hours. When he had turned in his bio to be read aloud at the banquet, he had almost left the field where he would explain his future blank. However, after some consideration, he had filled in his plans. He would try not to look at Kageyama as they read it. He would let his heart break on the spot. He would let Kageyama tear into him. He would let Kageyama do anything he needed to do. Except one thing. He would absolutely refuse to let Kageyama leave.

Hinata had worked his way into ruining his life, but tonight, tonight, tonight. The reconstruction began.

Kageyama arrived outside his house at six-thirty exactly as planned, all smiles and wrapping his arms around Hinata. Something was off though. His smile was a tad more excited than usual, slinking ever so slightly higher up on his cheeks, crinkling his eyes just a little bit extra. Hinata struggled to breathe around the wonder stuck in his throat.

“Hey, Hina—” Kageyama started, only to be abruptly cut off.

“God, you’re beautiful.” Hinata said, moving his hand to rest on Kageyama’s cheek. Kageyama just turned into the touch, pressing a kiss to the palm of his hand before taking it in his own and leading them to the car.

Kageyama turned the music on, a bouncy little tune that had Hinata whirling to face him. Kageyama was _humming._

“Kageyama, are you sick?” Hinata laughed. Kageyama turned to aim a close-lipped smile at him.

“I’m not sick, asshole. I’m just happy. Tonight is…it’s an important one.” Kageyama mused, fixing his eyes back on the road. Hinata’s stomach lurched. Important. Indeed, it was. The courage that had prompted him toward the truth earlier, had abandoned him, and he wanted nothing more than to take it back. To live in this dream for a little longer.

“Would you ever leave me?” Hinata blurted into the space between them. Kageyama’s foot tapped the brake a little too hard, sending Hinata’s body into the seatbelt. Kageyama’s face was fifty shades of red, and his glance became furtive. Kageyama just smiled again, inhaled deeply and reached for Hinata’s hand.

“No, not for anything.” At that, Hinata’s courage returned. Kageyama would stay. He’d be mad, he’d probably yell, but he’d stay.

They walked in together, taking their seats next to Tsukishima and Yamaguchi. The room was packed with the team, and teammates of years past. Beside Sugawara, Daichi laughed with Tanaka and Nishinoya. Tanaka had his hand laced through Kiyoko’s, and Hinata couldn’t stop the grin that took over his face. The atmosphere was positively glowing. Smiles ricocheted between them, and laughter flooded around their feet. If Hinata had ever seen something so close to unbridled joy, he replaced that image with this one.

He wanted to remember him all as he saw them now. Perfect, untouched, glorious. After three years of working, failing, and succeeding, they were here. Hinata wanted to tattoo it on his skin. He would be nailed to this cross and relish in the crucifixion.

They caught up with their old friends, and chatted with the new ones, listened to the speeches and waited for the delegation of the gag awards before the sendoff for the third years. They laughed when Tsukishima got the award for Most Likely to Argue With a Brick Wall, and Yamaguchi won the Devil in Disguise award, which made perfect sense considering that behind his sweet exterior was indeed a creature of mischief. Kageyama received the award for Most Likely to Scare Ushijima, which had the entire room laughing, and Hinata received the Walking on Sunshine award. Hinata thought the awards were a little bit dumb, but he loved them nonetheless.

He gazed at Kageyama’s back as he walked to the stage to receive his award. He wondered how all the most perfect particles of the universe had been condensed into one man. He wondered how it would feel to slip his hands around his waist and try to synthesize the stardust between his shoulder blades. He wondered if he would ever get the chance again. The eleventh hour had arrived on her black wings to collect his insurmountable debt.

 _Kageyama wouldn’t leave him._ He had said so himself. It was then that he realized that he was leaving Kageyama. By hook or by crook, Hinata would be halfway across the world. There would be a chasm that spanned eons in front of him, but if Kageyama stood on the other side, there was no distance to great, there was no price too high. Hinata would rake the world apart, crush the human race between his fists, and stitch the divide closed with their sinews if it meant getting Kageyama an inch closer. He didn’t want to think about what he would do for a mile.

Time slowed, and stopped around him. The atmosphere grew more reverent as he watched Ukai take the stage for the sendoff.

“It is with great honor that I acknowledge the graduating class tonight. I think we can all agree that the talent among these third-years is second to none. I have never seen a more hardworking, driven, and, at times, terrifying group. They never stop pushing, and never stop climbing, and I know, without a doubt, that they will do amazing things. I can’t wait to watch it happen.” Ukai paused, and Hinata thought he would pass out. The food that he had enjoyed moments ago rose in his throat. His heart stuttered in his chest, and his lungs refused to work. Kageyama just sat with a placid smile beside him, so unaware of the unraveling to come. The color drained from Hinata’s face as Ukai pulled the first bio from his pocket.

“Tsukishima Kei, our middle blocker who has a reputation for being quite intimidating at times, is looking forward to enrolling in Tokyo University this coming semester and majoring in archaeology while playing on their volleyball team. Getting to know Tsukishima has been one of my greatest accomplishments, seeing as he certainly didn’t make it easy. I wish him the best, and encourage him to look within himself to find the talent and motivation that I know is there.” Ukai’s eyes were shining, and Hinata felt a tug of appreciation for the man.

“Yamaguchi Tadashi, our pinch server and one of the best leaders I’ve ever met, will also be continuing on to Tokyo University where he,” Ukai squinted at the paper, “intends to major in sociology and keep an eye on Tsukishima,” the room laughed at that, and Hinata caught the look that passed between Tsukishima and Yamaguchi, “I want to congratulate him on being the embodiment of a role model and a class act. Believe in yourself, Yamaguchi, because there is so much to believe in.”

The edge of Hinata’s vision went black, and the pounding in his heart reached his ears. Kageyama’s hand squeezed his under the table, but he didn’t grip it back. He wasn’t even sure if he could feel his hands anymore. The sounds of the room were distorted, he thought he might pass out. His eyes darted around the room, looking for an exit. He had pushed his chair back to make a break for it, but Kageyama’s grip held him in place.

“Hinata, are you okay?” Kageyama whispered, stroking his thumb across the back of Hinata’s hand. The tears came, welling behind his eyes. He met Kageyama’s gaze, full of worry, and shook his head twice.

“What’s the ma—”

“Kageyama Tobio is, without a doubt, the most talented player I have had the pleasure of working with. Kageyama has been our setter for three years now, taking us to heights that I didn’t even know were possible. I am grateful that I had a chance to work with someone so talented, and I will miss him more than I can say. That being said, Kageyama is on to bigger and better, playing for the Schweiden Adlers in their upcoming season. Knock ‘em dead kid. I would like to invite him up here to say a few words before we sendoff our final third year, Hinata Shouyou.”

Kageyama’s hand left Hinata’s but his eyes dwelled on the tiny wildfire as he walked to the front of the room. He wondered if Hinata was nervous that Kageyama would back out. He had asked if Kageyama would ever leave him, and Hinata was truly dumber than he had originally thought if he could imagine a world where Kageyama wasn’t by his side. Kageyama had gone over every scenario, every possibly avenue of chance, but there was not a world where Hinata wasn’t right there. It was what Hinata did. He was there. And Kageyama would live the rest of his life trying his damnedest to be there for him too. If there was a world out there where Hinata wasn’t there, wasn’t by his side to smile, and laugh, and radiate a thousand suns’ worth of rays, Kageyama wanted nothing to do with the graven image.

“I can’t say that I expected to make any speeches tonight, but I also can’t say that I ever believed that we’d make it this far. This team has been an incredible experience, and I’ve learned so much from all of you. Tsukishima, I can’t say we always got along,” the room chuckled at that, “but I can say that I’ve learned a lot from you, and I appreciate how you have always pushed me to be a better player. Yamaguchi, thank you for always having our back, and scoring when things looked the worst. To Hinata, thank you for being my partner, thank you for cheering us up, and thank you for always being there. Thank you for that more than anything. Ukai has definitely saved the best for last, and I can’t wait for you all to hear more about Shouyou—Hinata—Hinata Shouyou.” Hinata would have smiled if it weren’t for the dread that bound his mouth into a tight line. Everyone turned to give a look to Hinata that just screamed that they _knew_ , but Hinata didn’t particularly mind. It is hard to give a single fuck about the opinions of others when your life is seconds from being torn apart.

The tears came freely now. To an onlooker, they may have been interpreted as tears of joy, but truthfully, Hinata was scared. The ruse was finally up. As Kageyama settled back into his seat, he carefully placed a hand on Hinata’s thigh, soothing with his fingers as Ukai began to speak. Hinata wanted to run up to Ukai and tear the paper apart. He wanted to show up at Schweiden’s practices like he had done with the training camp two years ago.

_Three. Hinata’s heart slows._

“Hinata is…hard to describe,” Ukai started, “But there are no doubts in my mind that we wouldn’t have made it a fraction of the distance without him. His athleticism and spirit have raised the team up more times than I can count, even if he made some…interesting choices along the way.”

_Two. Hinata’s heart stops._

“Hinata is a force to be reckoned with, and he plans to continue his volleyball career in Brazil.”

_One. Hinata’s heart breaks._


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It’s the sound of pain made flesh, of nightmares incarnate. It went something like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovelies. I have put this off long enough. I literally can't read it without being sad. Stay safe, this chapter is very graphic.

Hinata threw his weight against the door, shoving it open before hurdling out into the rain. He surveyed the street quickly, looking for the nearest hiding place. His eyes landed on a vending machine tucked into the corner. He pushed his back up against it, leaning his head back on the rain-slick surface. His breathing came in gasps as tears battled with the rain pushing down his face.

 _Fuck._ Hinata thought, sliding to the ground. He didn’t want to think about what this meant. He saw the look on Kageyama’s face. He saw the ice that coated his features. Hinata cursed his own naivety. He couldn’t piece together _why_ he thought they could come back from this. Hinata swiped a sleeve over his face. He heard the door open somewhere to the left, and he buried his teeth in his shoulder. Anything to stop Kageyama from finding him like this.

Hinata began praying to any god who might have an ear turned his way. _Please._ He begged _Please let this be okay._ As it turns out, there wasn’t a damn god in the galaxy paying attention to the little ginger boy with a broken heart. Kageyama’s footsteps drew nearer and Hinata shoved his head between his knees. He squeezed his eyes against the world, nearly jumping out of his skin at the pressure between his shoulder blades.

“Hinata.” The voice was calm, but it was also empty. See, Kageyama’s voice could hold so much, that to hear it void of anything at all was perhaps worse than the anger Hinata had initially feared. Hinata didn’t move, he didn’t know if he could face Kageyama right now. He didn’t even know if he wanted to. Kageyama fisted a hand in Hinata’s hair, massaging the soft auburn tufts for a moment.

“Hinata. You owe me something.” Kageyama said. Hinata noted the turn in his voice, the betrayal and sorrow glossing over the words. Hinata wondered if he preferred the emptiness. Hinata lifted his head, staring straight ahead, refusing to meet the eyes of the one person he’d swore to never shy away from.

“I don’t know what to say.” Hinata said truthfully, crushing his palms against his eyes. Kageyama was quiet for a moment before it happened. After all, Hinata knew this would happen, and there wasn’t a soul on earth who knew Kageyama better than him.

“I don’t give a _fuck_ if you don’t know what to say!” Kageyama seethed “I deserve an explanation. After everything we…how could you?” Kageyama’s voice echoed around the deserted schoolyard, and Hinata’s eyes couldn’t shut tight enough to keep the tears in.

“Kageyama…” Hinata whispered, “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what to do, I—I didn’t mean to take it so far.” Hinata explained, tearing his gaze from the wall to look at Kageyama. He wished he hadn’t. Even back when they first met, Kageyama’s anger had never been so concrete, so genuine. Kageyama paused, working through the words slowly.

“You think you can just _switch teams_ and not tell me. Hinata, what did I do wrong? Why did you never tell me?” Kageyama ranted. Hinata’s heart broke for the second time that night. Kageyama believed in him even still. Still thought he’d made the team. Hinata thought that Kageyama should have known that Hinata never would have switched teams, never.

“Kageyama I—you never did anything wrong. Never. Not once—”

“ _Clearly_ , I did something wrong, Shouyou. Just tell me. Please. I’ll fix it, I’ll do anything just _don’t leave me._ ” Kageyama’s eyes were shining now, and Hinata felt guilt dripping from every pore of his body.

“Kageyama…you’re perfect. You never, _never_ did anything wrong—”

“Stop _lying_! There’s no other explan—” Kageyama was yelling now, and Hinata couldn’t take it.

“Kageyama, stop! I didn’t make the team, okay? I was never on that team. I never will be!” Hinata cried, holding Kageyama’s gaze even as the realization dawned on him.

Have you ever seen the look in someone’s eyes when the world ends? Have you ever seen the way the face goes completely slack before contorting into something else? Something so foreign that perhaps that person ended, too. Have you seen the light wink out of their eyes? Have you seen the way their mouth parts in disbelief? Have you heard the sound? Surely, if you have, you know the one. It’s not a whisper. It’s not a scream. It hangs in the balance. It’s the sound of pain made flesh, of nightmares incarnate. It went something like that.

Hinata waited for Kageyama to say something. To say anything. He waited. Kageyama rose to his feet.

“You lied.” Kageyama said. Not a question. There were no questions left to ask. Hinata nodded.

“I didn’t want to make you choose.” Hinata whispered.

“I’m glad you didn’t make me. Because I would have picked you. And what a _mistake_ that would have been.” Kageyama spat, looking down at Hinata with clenched fists. Hinata bit his lip as he cried. How strange that was to hear.

“Kageyama, please.” Hinata whimpered. Kageyama didn’t move. “Please.” Kageyama just looked at him.

“I thought you loved me. God, I thought I loved you.” Kageyama started.

“I do Kageyama. I love you.” Hinata said right back. Those words, at least, seemed to give Kageyama something to think about.

“You didn’t.” Kageyama said. “And I didn’t love you. I don’t love you. The person I thought you were literally does not exist, Shouyou. There’s nothing to love.” A single tear streamed down Kageyama’s face, and Hinata stood up.

“I was going to tell you.” Hinata started.

“You didn’t. That says more about you than anything else. And you know what’s the best part?” Kageyama paused, flicking his gaze around Hinata’s face. “I really wondered if I needed volleyball if I had you. I was going to—” Kageyama cut himself off. Hinata was glad he did. He didn’t want to know what he could have had. He didn’t think he could take it.

“Kageyama, please, just give it some time. I’ll give you however long you need, but don’t leave me.” Hinata pleaded, but Kageyama’s expression didn’t change.

“I’ll be the first to admit I have almost nothing if I don’t have you, Shouyou. But I don’t want you. I want nothing to do with you, or this damn team, or anything.” Kageyama watched as he split the award in half. The silly one. The one he’d smiled at. Hinata thought it may have been symbolic, but he didn’t feel much like questioning it. The pieces fluttered to the ground and Hinata wanted to cradle them to his chest.

“I love you, Kageyama.” Hinata whispered. He didn’t want to say it like that. He didn’t want to say it like goodbye.

“Save it. Have fun in _Brazil._ ” Kageyama spat before turning on his heel and stalking off into the rain.

Hinata registered calling his name. He registered doing it over and over again until his voice failed him. He wondered if Kageyama had heard him at all. Didn’t matter now. Kageyama was gone. Hinata had lost him, slipped through the cracks in Hinata’s façade. Idly he wondered if he deserved it. He was sure he did.

The walk home was cold.

The days that followed were empty. He wondered what Kageyama was doing. He wondered if Kageyama cried himself to sleep, like Hinata did. He wondered if Kageyama still had a heart beating in his chest or if he left it back at the banquet, like Hinata did. He wondered if Kageyama missed him, like Hinata did.

_Kageyama stared at the Karasuno jacket on the wall. He’d hung it up after graduation, but he couldn’t stand to look at it now. Kageyama rubbed at his eyes, it had been two weeks since he’d gotten a decent sleep and god, he was so tired he thought he might pass out if he stood up. Nevertheless, he stood, yanking the jacket it off the wall and placed it with the rest of the things that reminded him of Hinata. There was too much in the box now._

_He cataloged everything in it. The backpack, the newspaper, the letters. Everything that reminded him of the hole in his chest. He’d spent two weeks crying, two weeks angry, two weeks awake, and it drove him crazy. There was nothing he could do._

_Sleep abandoned him. His teammates hadn’t reached out. God, even his own parents had headed off to Hokkaido the moment he’d graduated. They were due back tomorrow morning. So, it had to be tonight. Kageyama felt the tears streaming down his face. It was so commonplace at this point, that he didn’t even blink. How was he supposed to keep going when everything he had going for him was gone? As much as everyone seemed to believe that it was Hinata that needed Kageyama, they couldn’t be more wrong. Kageyama knew, with one hundred percent certainty that the_ one thing _he could not live through had just happened. He didn’t know when he’d made the decision, only that he did. When he looked out over the timeline of his life, there was the time before he’d met Hinata and then there was now. Kageyama sighed into the empty room. He was a half. If he had to live the rest of his life that way…_

_What in the fuck was the point?_

_Kageyama had picked up the phone more times than he could count. He thought about calling Hinata as often as breathing. He thought about apologizing, asking to see him. But, every single time, he was reminded of what he said. He’d rather have the words “I love you” as the last ones he’d heard. It was better that way._

_The sun was setting, and Kageyama opened the liquor cabinet. His parents had taken all their favorites to Hokkaido, but it didn’t matter much. He knocked it back, relishing in the burn. He was crying, but, soon, soon, soon, he wouldn’t be._

_Kageyama sat at his desk, pulling out a pen and a blank sheet of paper._

_Fifteen._

_Dear Hinata,_

_If you’re reading this, I’m dead. There isn’t enough time in the world to say to you everything I want to, so I guess I’ll start with the obvious. I’m sorry. For what I said, for everything. I always have let my anger get the best of me, and you didn’t deserve that. You deserve so much more, you still do. I’m sorry for everything I put you through, but I’m not sorry for loving you. I still love you. I’ll love you a long time after. I need you to keep going. I need you to keep climbing. I need you to know that even though I won’t be playing with you all the way up at the top, I’ll be watching, and I’ll be so proud._

_Thank you for everything you’ve given me. The past three years have been the best of my life and that is because of you. I’ll miss you like hell, but I’m not sure if this was the right time for us. If it ever was, but I love you too much to let go. God, do I love you. Wait for me, okay? Whatever happens next, I’ll be waiting, and I can’t wait to hear your voice again. Could you do that for me? Could you wait just a little. I’ll find you if I have to. I’d tear this world apart for you. I’d do anything._

_I’m sorry, Hinata. You’re the love of my life. You are my life, and I can’t stand what I did. I need you to find someone who makes you happy. The way that you make me so happy. I hope this time whoever it is will recognize what they have, I hope they keep you close to their chest, always. I hope they are there for you in all the ways I can’t be. I’m yours forever. Don’t forget it._

_I love you, dumbass. Always._

_Kageyama._

_Kageyama folded it and placed it with its counterparts. He was tired. So, so, so tired. The walk to the bathroom was quiet. Once you’ve cried so much the tears stop coming so violently, they just run their little rivers, and they do it in silence. He found the bottle._

_The floor was cold._

_Kageyama didn’t know how he made it to the car. He could hardly see. He needed to see Hinata again._

_Hinata._

_Kageyama didn’t remember where he was._

_Hinata, Hinata, Hinata._

_Hinata always did have a lovely smile. A smile tugged on Kageyama’s lips. He became aware of the blackness in his vision. Had he made it down the street? Kageyama didn’t know. Kageyama felt his breaths as they came slowly. Hinata Shouyou. If he focused, he could hear Hinata’s voice. Maybe he had made it._

_“I love you.” Kageyama mumbled to the car. It was black. Kageyama felt the way his heart stuttered as he slipped into the blackness._

_Hinata._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so sorry


End file.
